[Quiet Man Cometh]

Haven't read your example yet but my first thought it why do you think you have to change your writing style? I'm also a "stare at the sentence until it's perfect" type and while this makes me slow I'm happy with what I get done when I do finish it. It can take me upwards of a year to get the same amount written of what you have up there. I personally think people fuss too much about length though. Something really only needs to be as long as you need to say what you want to say.

When I hit areas that stump me, I often leave a blank space or a point form description of what I want to go there and move on. I have no plans for an epic story though. I write short stuff.

I think what would help you most would be learning to draft and layout your story before working on the finer points. It helps to keep one on track since new ideas could pop up at any moment that one might want to incorporate later, or one might find certain things they want to take out.

Don't be afraid to change your mind later about things. I find I can get attached to what I've written and be reluctant to change it even if I don't think I need it anymore. Case in point, I have a poem that I was working on as a short story since 2009 and I wasn't getting anywhere each time I picked it up. This year I brought it out again, chopped off 2/3rds of it and rewrote half of what was left and found I liked what I had much better than what I had been fighting with for the three years prior. Making such drastic changes to something I previously slaved over took some practice and some nerve to do. It was for the good though. I got the piece published. :)

Hope some of this helps. Sometimes you just need to fiddle around with things until you find a style you like or are comfortable with. Things like description and pacing you will pick up along the way. Remember that critiques make a good guideline but aren't the be all and end all of what people think of your writing. If one person complains about something, maybe make a note of it but don't worry too much. If more than one person mention the same thing as an issue, think more about that.