[Stabbsworth]

self harm cw

ended up hurting myself again after promising myself that i wouldn't. one of those days. probably ought to get some dressing on the wound but it's scabbed up now, just the skin being a bit sore. before anyone worries, it's superficial, about as bad as a cat scratch, welts and all.

anyways, if my brother wakes me up to demand for my help in something again, i swear to god.

is it any surprise as to why i fucking snapped at him? i don't like phone calls, and he calls me up, on my mobile phone, to demand for my fucking help, because CLEARLY i'd know what to do on a fucking ESA form despite the fact that Universal Credit sick benefits are different from ESA. ESA is the old system. I'm on the newer fucking system.

'oh, you know what to do, you're going to let us go fucking poor and we'll lose the house'.

i only barely remember shit because my memory frequently fails when i'm getting fucking yelled at, but apparently he was talking to me normally (that is, without an ounce of respect and demanding that the world bow to him, and why am i sleeping at this time of day [roughly lunchtime] because my sleeping schedule should be normal as i am clearly normal and not at all like him).

is it any wonder, then, that i turned to making art on my own skin? i'll fill the cracks with pyrite. it's not like he'd care, after all. he's worse off, clearly, and that makes him justified in fucking yelling at me and abusing everyone around him to get what he wants.

i'm too scared to even step foot in my childhood home that i'll be inheriting eventually. even if it's to go and see if my cat is still alive because semilina is dead now and it's coming up to that time where she died (mid-summer, July 2nd, 2023.)

i can't escape from this. when will i become a diamond? i was always destined to distort.