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Kaien Shiba · 11:34 AM

eh, maybe someone from an outside perspective will give more incite. As it's my problem I've found myself head first in it and I know me- I'll muck it up.

the problem: My surrogate Parents want me down for our annual get together so I can carve their pumpkins and we can chat. However this year it's been sprung on me that my biological parents will be there. Where my bio-parents wish to see me, I do not. I'm not even sure if my Surrogate parents will listen because they have big hearts and I know how my bio parents are, manipulitive. my fear is that they've got my surrogate parents so twisted about their little finger that regardless of what I say the biological parents will be there to greet me.

background: My biological parents arn't horrible people just misguided. My mother learned through her mother [my granny] that guilt tripping and backhanded compliments are the best way to control others in your life- because if you control it you can make it and everyone around you happy. (backhanded compliment btw is ie: "that shirt looks lovely on you..... if you only lost a few pounds")
it has taken me YEARS To understand this,years only when I was AWAY from them. the psychological beatings parents can do to their children are a little hard to pinpoint or even discover in ourselves. My mother beat me into a psychological corner and a full on axsity disorder which through consoling and living and learning to deal with it is under control for the most part.
My biological parents arn't bad people but they have this odd image of me that I'm someone else entirely and when I do things or act in a different manner from what they expect they get all sorts of bent out of shape and upset and the mental and verbal abuse begins.
Once I recognized this I did try to tell them they just don't know me....to which the retort of ' well you don't let us know you <3 <3 <3 so what are you doing for your 21st birthday?" [and at that time I was turning 26.] can't let someone learn who you are if they already think they know who you are.

my surrogate parents are pretty cool, met them in high school- they were actually a friends parents and they sorta absorbed me into their family. I was allowed to be myself, encouraged, praised when I did well, holy hell scolded when I did wrong. they were guidance and a counselor and what a teen needed rather then to have dreams and personality squashed and broken into an image that wasn't them.
I helped my surrogate mother through her canser treatments, talked with her about axsity and stayed up with her for two days strait talking her out of suicide. I was there for her, she was there for me.
I moved out across town, working full time getting quite a bit done with my life always busy go going and no I dont call my surrogate parents like I used to or visit, but neither do they call-eh dont expect them to visit so that was never an issue.
My parents think anything they do is RIGHT and RIGHT for me and will never see that their words and manipulations are doing more harm then good.

Aaaand it's that time again, Halloween and for me to carve up their pumpkins.... and they've invited my parents over who live oh... a good 30 minuet walk away. Transportation is a non issue, though my car is sooooo close to being fixed my town has a good bus system and it'll take me 2 hours to get there, but I will get there.
I feel I'm in the rock and a hard place for the moment. if I skip this year it'll be the first ever...but if I go I'm afraid regardless of my feelings that I express to my surrogate mom she will bring my parents over. She's KNOWN how I feel about them but yet has invited them over?

What do I do? Tell my surrogate family that I'm sorry this year cannot make it due to parents/transportation?
do I face my parents? This is something I'm not sure if I'm ready for, the wounds are still healing.
do I just not say anything and walk into an episode of Dr Phil/Jerry springer?
I could give my surrogate mom the ultimatum, I come but my parents don't?

I'm trying to find the best solution, one that will protect me but not break my promises.

Kaien Shiba Dazed		Rock and a hard place...	#1
	eh, maybe someone from an outside perspective will give more incite. As it's my problem I've found myself head first in it and I know me- I'll muck it up. the problem: My surrogate Parents want me down for our annual get together so I can carve their pumpkins and we can chat. However this year it's been sprung on me that my biological parents will be there. Where my bio-parents wish to see me, I do not. I'm not even sure if my Surrogate parents will listen because they have big hearts and I know how my bio parents are, manipulitive. my fear is that they've got my surrogate parents so twisted about their little finger that regardless of what I say the biological parents will be there to greet me. background: My biological parents arn't horrible people just misguided. My mother learned through her mother [my granny] that guilt tripping and backhanded compliments are the best way to control others in your life- because if you control it you can make it and everyone around you happy. (backhanded compliment btw is ie: "that shirt looks lovely on you..... if you only lost a few pounds") it has taken me YEARS To understand this,years only when I was AWAY from them. the psychological beatings parents can do to their children are a little hard to pinpoint or even discover in ourselves. My mother beat me into a psychological corner and a full on axsity disorder which through consoling and living and learning to deal with it is under control for the most part. My biological parents arn't bad people but they have this odd image of me that I'm someone else entirely and when I do things or act in a different manner from what they expect they get all sorts of bent out of shape and upset and the mental and verbal abuse begins. Once I recognized this I did try to tell them they just don't know me....to which the retort of ' well you don't let us know you <3 <3 <3 so what are you doing for your 21st birthday?" [and at that time I was turning 26.] can't let someone learn who you are if they already think they know who you are. my surrogate parents are pretty cool, met them in high school- they were actually a friends parents and they sorta absorbed me into their family. I was allowed to be myself, encouraged, praised when I did well, holy hell scolded when I did wrong. they were guidance and a counselor and what a teen needed rather then to have dreams and personality squashed and broken into an image that wasn't them. I helped my surrogate mother through her canser treatments, talked with her about axsity and stayed up with her for two days strait talking her out of suicide. I was there for her, she was there for me. I moved out across town, working full time getting quite a bit done with my life always busy go going and no I dont call my surrogate parents like I used to or visit, but neither do they call-eh dont expect them to visit so that was never an issue. My parents think anything they do is RIGHT and RIGHT for me and will never see that their words and manipulations are doing more harm then good. Aaaand it's that time again, Halloween and for me to carve up their pumpkins.... and they've invited my parents over who live oh... a good 30 minuet walk away. Transportation is a non issue, though my car is sooooo close to being fixed my town has a good bus system and it'll take me 2 hours to get there, but I will get there. I feel I'm in the rock and a hard place for the moment. if I skip this year it'll be the first ever...but if I go I'm afraid regardless of my feelings that I express to my surrogate mom she will bring my parents over. She's KNOWN how I feel about them but yet has invited them over? What do I do? Tell my surrogate family that I'm sorry this year cannot make it due to parents/transportation? do I face my parents? This is something I'm not sure if I'm ready for, the wounds are still healing. do I just not say anything and walk into an episode of Dr Phil/Jerry springer? I could give my surrogate mom the ultimatum, I come but my parents don't? I'm trying to find the best solution, one that will protect me but not break my promises. Last edited by Kaien Shiba; 10-22-2011 at 11:34 AM.
		Posted 10-22-2011, 11:15 AM