[Misericorde]

It's been almost a year, and I still can't get over the loss of my mother. So many things continue to play through my mind, and they make me feel so guilty...

The last week of my mom's life was the worst. She hadn't eaten or drank anything in so long that she was a little bit delusional, and her memory was cloudy. I was so mean to her that entire week, threatening her to either eat and drink something, or I wasn't going to come see her anymore... I got so mad when she continued to refuse... But I kept going to see her.

On the last day I actually heard my mom's voice, and saw her awake and responding, was the worst day of that week... My mom couldn't remember that I was her daughter, just that my dad was my dad... And that night just before we left, I told her that I loved her, and all she said was "uh huh"... Infuriated, I told her that I would not be coming back.

That night at 2am, the hospital called my father and I, telling us that my mom had taken a turn for the worse and may not make it through the night. I felt my heart sink. When my father and I got there, I knew immediately she'd be gone soon, and I felt so horrible that the last thing she was conscious to hear me say was that I'd never come see her again...

I stayed with her all night, crying... A day and a half after we got the call, my mom died. I never really told her I was sorry, I should have. I just told her that I loved her, and I hope she heard me...

But to this day I can't forgive myself for what I said, and I can't get over having lost her so quick. I miss her every day, and I cry every couple days still... I don't know how to cope, I can't be strong anymore, because that just hurts...

I don't know what anyone can do to help, I don't think there is anything anyone can do to help... But I just need to vent about this, get it off my chest... That probably won't help either, but it's worth a short...