Suzerain of Sheol
Desolation Denizen
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#15
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Since you asked for feedback, I'll note first off that I noticed several spelling errors, just in glancing through a couple of your poems. You'll want to fix those, they're even more glaring in poetry than in prose and tend to tarnish the entire poem when they crop up.
Otherwise, though, I don't have time at the moment to do a thorough read-through, but from what I can tell, your style is very direct, to the point where, in a lot of places, it feels just like words on a page, not even poetry. (That's a bad way of putting it, since poetry is such a nebulous term, but hopefully you know what I mean.)
Also, I'll just throw this out there, but I don't see much overall meaning to many of these, beyond the personal. Personal poems are fine and all, but showing them to other people is almost always pointless, because no one can see things from your specific perspective. The challenge in writing a meaningful poem is to take something personal and make it universal, so that the poem transcends your specific experiences and thereby gains a meaning of its own. Which is rather difficult to accomplish.
And, just to throw it out there, there's something to be said for being cliche. There's so much saturation in poetry anymore that it's nearly impossible to do something original, but a lot of your lines just sound tired and generic. The constant "I" references don't exactly help, either. (Even if you're not referencing yourself, when it shows up that often in your work, it can make it look like you are.)
And... that's all I have time for right now. I may take a closer look some other time when I get a chance. If I had to make some quick suggestions for improvement, I'd say try to word things with a little more flair, getting away from the typical descriptions and challenging the reader a little more. Also, maybe try to be less direct and layer what your trying to say a bit more, though not everyone appreciates that in poetry. But even still, there should always be something more beyond the first, obvious, apparent meaning, even if that apparent meaning functions perfectly well on its own.
Cold silence has a tendency
to atrophy any sense of compassion
between supposed lovers.
Between supposed brothers.
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Posted 10-04-2011, 07:06 PM
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