[Lost]

[ Old Stuff ]

Darkness surrounds me
There is no where to turn
I'm lost without you
Yet you were never there
i know now that it was all a dream
and that you never had feelings for me
but i may still beg for your return
for you were the only one to show me love
even if it wasn't true for you
it was for me
I'm dying on the inside and i just wish you could see
all the pain and suffering you cause me
yet my love for you holds true
even though i know it will never be
i still can't control my dreams

-May 05, 2008

you won't see my scars
they aren't really there
they are deep inside
hidden from your sight
for me it is plain to see
they are from you
though you would never know it
you were so blind to how much you hurt me
so blind to my pain
but scars have formed over my wounds
no thanks to you

- June 22, 2008

In my darkness moments my mind turns to you.
I can't understand why, and I know you could care less.
I still care I guess.
My love never faded, never left.
I said goodbye, I was the one to walk away.
But I still feel for you.
I still want to pull you close.
Your birthday is coming up.
Maybe I give you a call.
Its been a few months, maybe we could try again.
Maybe I was wrong to leave you.
But I had my reasons.
I had my means.
You weren't treating me well.
You should have known I wouldn't be your slave forever.
That I wouldn't do what you asked all the time.
I am my own person.
I have my own needs.
I have a will too can't you see?
I left you behind oh so long ago.
but more and more I wonder if i did the right thing.
Should I have stayed, and tried to make it right?
You wouldn't have changed.
Your eyes were closed.
You wouldn't listen.
I tried, I tried, I tried again.
But I failed in the end.
My love for you is not gone.
Each I wonder why I left.
Its so hard to remember why.
Its so hard to remember when there was good too.
You were the only one that ever got through to me.
So why couldn't I get through to you?

- July 08, 2008

Some say I'm just fucked up, others say I'm normal
All I really want is for the voices to stop.
I want to tell the truth, I want you to know
I hate you, I loved him,
He broke me
He almost killed me
He's still there in my heart after he tore it apart
You think I'm perfect, you think I'm grand
But I was falling for another man
After I left I was empty inside
But I kept pushing you farther outside
I let you in once and I was to blame
But even I learn after all that pain
I want to tell them, I what them to know
That I'm really not what they think i am
I hate them for what they do
Can't you see it too
long ago I thought about it once
Almost ended it all there but then she called
Friends, They're always in the way
the thoughts return to me when I think to hard about it
Cutting seems to be a nice thought but I'm to much of a pussy to push down
i can picture how it would feel
that lovely steel
Then there are the voices again
Maybe that day so long ago really did fuck me up
maybe I'm just a slut
so was it daddy that fucked me up?
so i won't touch booze and i won't touch drugs
i have to much to deal with at any rate
He stole it from me
Said he would always be there
said he loved me
it turned out he didn't even care
then there was that joker that played with me a little
said we couldn't date
said he didn't want to hurt me
didn't want to hurt the friendship
then there was that oaf
he wanted something special
that damn boy just wanted to get in my pants
then he would've left
i wasted my life, my time
on those that weren't even worth a dime
that's the sum but that isn't nearly enough
you wouldn't understand my pain my suffering not from this, but maybe from that...

- July 10, 2008

he was my life
my everything
i loved him more then anything
i gave him all of me
anything he could dream
everything in my power to give
it was his
we were distant to say the least
we loved
yet we didn't know who we were
i don't know him
he didn't know me
i let him in
i tried to show
everything i had inside i let him know
i got sick
i got tired
i started to hate
i started to regret
i started to like another
we gave up hope in each other
he treated me bad
i let him
i loved him
i hated him
i still care for him now
after so low
so little matters
he was my life
my everything
he was apart of me
he almost killed me
he left my soul broken and cold
I'm still looking for the pieces
for somewhere to call home
I'm still searching for that someone that makes it all better
that helps me put me back together
but i can't find him
he isn't around
so for know
I'll have to let my wounds form scars
I'll cry another day
I'll smile for now
and I'll pray
that soon someone will love me
that someone will really care
that i won't be used again
that someone will actually be there

- July 10, 2008

is it all a dream?
can i go back and change it?
i liked life better before.
i seemed happy then.
i was happy once
now i can't even seem to smile
let alone get out of bed and go out and have a great day.
i can't get him outta my head
i wish i was dead
my life
my world
its all falling in around me
i don't know how much more i can take
i don't know how long it will be before i break
I'm not loved by anyone
no one would care if i died
these thoughts are returning to me
my depression is in full swing
i think about that knife
it right in reach
i wouldn't have to go far
i can picture the cool steel touching my silky skin
i can see the line of blood follow the blade in a thin cool line
that nice lovely red bringing me down to reality
my life doesn't suck
i can get on with out him
its suddenly easier to breathe
i don't need him
I'll survive
all i need is me
no one else matters
no one else would look after me the way i can
I'm safe
away from him
away from the world
a new life awaits me
happiness can return

- July 11, 2008

Her head falls down
As she looks to the ground
They are laughing again
So she hangs her head
She wants no more of this life
So she picks up her knife
She digs deeper each day
With the steel edge keeping the voices at bay
A small line of blood flows
And she feels like she glows
a sick smile covers her face
She only wanted a taste
The pain covers up something more
For a time that is her cure

- July 19, 2008

I wish deeply for you to know, to understand.
Won't you take a closer look.
I'm not who you think I am
I am a girl, no a woman
I am Different
So Alone in this life
So Forgotten
I am the lost
The confused
The distant
You look at me and she some one else
An unknown figure
Someone thats not me
I am depressed
Destructive
I am the hated
The suffering
I am what so many say they are
But I am Real
I know the meaning of loved and lost
I know the meaning of life is to suffer and then feel better to only suffer again
I know we are different but still so alike
I know you are not me so you could never understand
I know that no matter who you say you are and how you act,
You're just as insecure as i am
No matter what the differences are we are similar
We are alike yet different
We are all one yet many
We all have our own troubles and our own worlds
We all see things differently yet the same
I am me
And you are you
But some how we both belong in this world.
I this life.
Can't you see?

- July 24, 2008



- More To Come -