[Saiyouri]

тнє ℓσνє σƒ мαgι¢ ιѕ вєуση∂ ƒσяgσттєη
»·,´·˙(´·˙¸ ¸˙·,)˙·,´•·˙·,¯´·˙·• •·˙·,¯´·˙·•╭☆╯•·.·´¯`·.·• •·.·´¯`·.·•´`·.(`·.¸ ¸.·´).·´`·»



☪ஐﻬ☽ First off I am not asking for help. I am trying to get
help for myself right now and I am going
to try to get in to see my doctor this
week while my husband is home.

I can't wait til the begining of November to
see my doctor. I already cut my hair twice
and the last time was pratically shaving my
head with how close I cut it. Plus Friday
I took 4 sleeping pills and for the firs time
I said out loud that I wish I can just fall
asleep and not wake up.

Right now I am diagnosed with severe OCD and 3
anxiety disorders and I am taking Welbutin,
Risperadon and Paxil for all of them. But now
it's like the meds don't work anymore. I know I
have been severely depressed for the past several
months and its getting worse. Before being on my
welbutrin pushed the depression back and I didn't
feel it. But now even taking all my meds, I am
still severely depressed. I am even starting to
enjoy sitting in my depressed moods.

This has gotten worse since my husband left to
go on the road as a trucker. That is exactly
when it all started. Now he's been gone for 4
weeks now and coming home finally tomorrow. He
will be here for a few days and then back out
again for 4 more damn weeks.

I got really bad in a span of 4 weeks and to me
that is really bad. I want to see my doctor to
get rediagnosed again so I know what I all have
now and how bad my depression is before I find
a therapist. I'm scared of going to a therapist.
I have bad luck with everyone I saw. I tried to
get help with my first bout of post partum
depression but the counslor only wanted to get me
in trouble with child services when I only had
feelings of wanting to hurt my children but I never
acted on them. I would remove myself from them
until I got better. I had post partum depression
from when I had my twins until I had my daughter.
Which was over 2 years later. And I never got the
help that I really needed.

Plus I battled depression during my teen years to
the point that I would hit myself when I was upset.
I have finally stopped that behaviour earlier this
year. I started it when I was about 13. And I'm 32
now. ; ;

I just don't know what to do anymore. Right now I
don't have things to occupy my time. I am getting
a new chair in the mail sometime this week so I
can finally start cross stitching again so that will
help alot. And I would read right now but I am
waiting for one specific book to come in the mail
that I ordered today. I got my first shipment of
books in already but I really want to read about
celtic myths first before I delve into everything
else.

I don't know why I posted this post. I guess to finally
get it out and finally admit to myself that I
am seriously in trouble of doing something severely
wrong and it will hurt me badly. It took me 2 weeks
to finally admit outloud that I pratically shaved my
head. Which is good for me. Because I am starting to
deal with what I did to myself.

Talk about anything you might want dealing with
mental illnesses and depression especially. I know
there are alot of people out there dealing with this
annoying ass disorder and there are so many different
levels of this. I wished mental illness never exsisted.
No one needs to suffer like this at all. We all
should be living happy normal lives. But of course I
am really pushing it with my wish there.



»·,´·˙(´·˙¸ ¸˙·,)˙·,´•·˙·,¯´·˙·• •·˙·,¯´·˙·•╭☆╯•·.·´¯`·.·• •·.·´¯`·.·•´`·.(`·.¸ ¸.·´).·´`·»
uǝʇʇoƃɹoɟ puoʎǝq sı ɔıƃɐɯ ɟo ǝʌol ǝɥʇ