[Sadrain]

I am afraid of height. Rather ridiculously so. I even got reminded of it today. I was in shopping mall, fourth floor, and there are only escalator or elevator to get down (or up). The escalators are really steep and really fast, but I don't like elevators very much (blame it on my mom and some things I've heard, plus the fact it's in hiiigh, empty space), so I always try to use escalators, but it gets harder and harder each time... Now I stopped at top of it and nearly gagged, already "seeing" how I don't manage to step on the "step" and I don't manage to keep my balance and fall all the way down... -shiver-
I am afraid of say, standing up on chair, too, cause I could fall backwards and break my backbone, if I fall on something or something... There is no higher than every-day height that I really feel as safe.
I am afraid of making a public mistake. I always weight out everything I have said to someone and find that I've done it "wrong" and then I get this feeling "they're gonna think I am dumb, etc.". I am slowly overcoming it somewhat, though. But I don't like and am awkward in most social situations, with strangers, public speeches and so on. With my family, though... No problems.
Similar about failures in general, but also overcoming it somewhat.
And I am a little afraid of never figuring what I really want, never finding motivation and ending my life somehow... only half lived, empty. If it makes sense. I want to achieve something, stabilize my dreams and then reach them, but sometimes I don't think I can do it.

I am not afraid of death. It will come eventually, for us all. It is natural thing and often, a relief, as cruel it might sound. But I don't want to suffer before my death, I don't want to be in pain. I don't want to die in catastrophe or something, when there is time to realize what is about to happen and that deep, deep fear, pleading for surviving and pain and then death...
I guess I am a little afraid of becoming old, ever since my grandmother died, and now how I see the age tortures my mother. But... They never had an ease, good life, never had the money to treat the health problems when they started. I hope my life will be different in that aspect, and I will be able to take care of my self and that all the suffering I've gone trough in childhood and teenage years will mean less of it when I am adult and then an elder.
I am also afraid of losing my mom, who is my only close person in this world. But that is no phobia, but very normal thing, I think.

.... Heh, this came out much longer than I thought. xD