Quiet Man Cometh
We're all mad here.
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#5
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Commenting before I forget. :). I read through the first part. Has it changed at all since last time? Only a couple comments to make so far, mostly having to do with word choice or syntax. "Phantom of hope" comes off to my ear as a bit funny. Not entirely sure why. I get the sentiment, but somehow the word "phantom" doesn't feel right to me. The word "imperil" also comes off to me as unneccessary and clunky but that falls into personal taste. It strikes me as an attempt to sound lofty which is redundant since Xavier's speech already accomplishes that pretty well.
Two sentence fragments show up at the end of a couple paragraphs that I think could also be changed to fit more in with the writing. The first is the line "If the world could but lay down its arms." That can be taken two ways, as either a statement or a question depending on context so it doesn't work well for me in a fragmented form. I think it would work better attached via comma to the preceeding sentence. That way there's no ambiguity behind the statement.
"As they had never been hung to before" also feels to me like it's floating to no real effect in the narrative, and that it would work better adding onto the previous sentence rather than as a fragment by itself. It feels homeless as it is so far.
One grammatical kink:"Destiny call us home" needs either a comma after "Destiny" or an 's' after "call."
Okay, that's it for now. It's smoother than I recall reading before. I don't I read past that part so the rest will be new.
Cheers. :)
EDIT: Riiight, one more thing...you know those ellipses early on? Yeaaaaah...
:p
Last edited by Quiet Man Cometh; 06-13-2011 at 06:40 AM.
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Posted 06-13-2011, 06:36 AM
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