[Suzerain of Sheol]

Well, I just read through the first chapter, which looks to be the longest. I'm feeling kind of brain-dead at the moment, so I'll have to read the rest another time, but I will get to it.

So, I can't comment on it as a whole, or on issues of overall pacing or continuity at the moment, but I'll address those once I read the rest.

I *can* comment on the section I read, though.

First off, the good. Your actual writing didn't make me want to slam my head into my keyboard. (You'd be surprised how often that happens. :p) I don't remember seeing many, if any outright errors, so good job on that front. That's... more impressive to me than it probably should be.

And I'll say this, the story noticeably improved after the other characters got onto the stage. It's a lot more engaging when there's some kind of action to focus on, rather than just an internal monologue. I think you need to find some way to convey the information in the beginning a bit more concisely and in less space. The story feels like it drags for a bit.

On the flip side, you could, instead, draw that part out and make it more in the present, rather than Aria relating it as though it's already happen. If you make the audience get more invested in her situation, they won't mind the slow start as much.

On that note, I feel like I need to point this out, and you probably know this already, but you've chosen a *very* tired concept to base a story around. I'm not saying that to try and discourage you, but keep in mind that you're starting at a disadvantage here, as you need to somehow separate this story from Drizzt's story, or any of the other drow-to-surface tales that WotC have published over the years. That's going to be tough.

So, moving on to pretentiousness. I don't think I'd describe what I've read so far as pretentious or flowery at all, honestly. I've seen a lot worse. On the other hand, there are some issues with the writing, I think.

First, you're a bit heavy on adjectives and adverbs, and the effect is that it just slows down the narrative. A lot of them feel redundant or unnecessary, and I think in a lot of cases, you'd be well served taking a virtual red pen to the manuscript and crossing out words that don't change the meaning of their sentences if they're removed.

Second, some of the phrases you use in the narration are bit cliche. For example, "All-consuming fire," "without a parting word," "moment of truth," etc. Just in general, finding more inspired, fresher ways to say things certainly won't hurt your writing.

Third, the dialogue. It feels a tad clunky. Have you tried reading it out loud? I find that that works best. Without delving into detailed examples, for the most part, the characters don't really sound like real people when they talk. The dialogue is too formal and, sometimes, feels long-winded and drawn-out. You should probably working on shortening their sentences to make it more like a real conversation would be.

Now, some other minor things that stood out to me:

Technically speaking, hymns to Lloth wouldn't be considered blasphemies to the drow. Blasphemy require something holy to blaspheme against.

Also, Bard shouldn't be capitalized. I know this is FR, but still, it isn't a DnD game.

This next one is a bigger issue. I'm having a hard time believing this character at this point. You imply that she's at least over 100 years old, and that she's totally disgusted by drow culture, meaning that she'd stick out like a sore thumb in their society. How has she managed to survive this long without succumbing to the survival-of-the-fittest paradigm that governs their culture? If you look at Drizzt, he carries horrible psychological damage and nearly succumbed himself on numerous occasions, despite living in Menzo. for a far shorter span of time.

And, that brings me to my last point. It is just... really hard to get into this story, having read the Drizzt books and the other drow books from WotC. It feels really "been there, done that" and at the moment, I don't see anything innovative enough to make up for that. When you mention her considering fending for herself in the wild, I don't know if it's supposed to be an in-joke or some kind of subtle nod to Exile, but it just doesn't work right. It feels like you're taking that same element for your story, even if she doesn't end up pursuing that option.



Well, I hope that wasn't too harsh. I don't think you're a poor writer at all, and with some tightening up, this could probably turn into a solid story, it's just... you've set yourself to a daunting task, choosing to tell this particular kind of story, and it's not going to be easy to get past that initial stigma.

Best of luck with it, though, and I'll get to the rest and comment on it as a whole as soon as I can. :)