1. Telling Fuu that bananas have gone extinct is neither funny, nor wise.
2. Ahos are not to be mentioned within a 10 meter radius of the Bean. Ones eardrums cannot be guaranteed safety should one decide to ignore this cardinal rule.
3. Kitsuno bites. Remember this at all times.
4. Senma’s books are not to be touched. Shion has a veeeeeery nasty poison she reserves for such occasions.
5. Whoever told you Cain can be caring is a goddamn liar and should given to said avatar of hate, evil, and pain to play with.
6. Yes Cross does indeed have a butthat. No, he won't lend it to you. Stop asking.
7. Cross does not appreciate people attempting to use his eyes as night lights. Would the guilty parties kindly cease and desist.
8. Telling Taiki that marriage is like taking to two mortal enemies and tossing them into a locked cabinet is completely immoral and whoever told him so is an arse. Seriously. We really don’t appreciate the looks we get from married couples when he makes that particular observation.
9. Whoever’s telling Hyouki it’s Hallowe’en, stop it. We’re having a hard enough time striking fear into our enemies without our captain dressed as a kitten.
10. Kaizu is not a generator, kindly stop using him as such.
11. Enya is not Legolas Greenleaf. The next person to make that comparison will have a katana shoved into an unpleasant region.
12. Soutaka, soup, no. Please just stay away from stupid hawken, alright?
13. Haru is not a girl, stop telling the recruits he is. We don’t care if he doesn’t mind.
14. Stop asking Uki for demonstrations. We need those buildings to live in.
15. All shiny objects are forfeit if they are within Nyo’s line of sight, no exceptions.
16. No, Fuu will not taste good in a stew while she is a duck.
17. Nobu isn’t compensating for anything. Please stop making those comments, at least stop making them to his face. We need our fighters with their heads attached to their bodies.
18. You can’t roast marshmallows on Cain, and even if you could you really shouldn’t try to.
Unless you’re a complete masochist with a death fetish.
19. Whoever’s mistranslating Iroki’s name, please stop. Really. No it doesn’t make our recruitment posters more interesting.
20. Trying to remove Toume’s eye-patch is a bad idea. Please don’t ask why, we really don’t need to remember that.
21. Whoever’s telling the new recruits that Gin’s a pansy and convincing them to arm wrestle him, cease and desist. We’d rather not have to sink money into counselling for roughly a third of our fighters.
22. Don’t touch Ryuu’s bandana.
23. Kuroga is not the Bionic Commando. We don’t care what his arm looks like.
24. Calling the Bean by her given name is strictly forbidden. Anything that is derogative and based upon her height is acceptable.
25. Lumps do not make good pets.
26. When people tell you Shion is armed and dangerous, they mean it. Please don’t test this.
27. Ok, if anybody hears a guy telling people misleading facts about Cain could you kindly do the world a favour and kill him? Painfully if possible.
28. Using magic on either Iroki or Wakagi while they are unawares isn’t training, it’s assault. He was on the can for gods sakes, have you people no empathy?
29. Tenrou is no longer allowed to tell horror stories. Period.
30. Tora doesn’t appreciate people leaving catnip in his futon, please stop doing so.
31. Ryuu cannot change genders by letting down his hair. I don't care what Nuri may have said. Nuri, stop telling your gullible new characters disturbing lies.
32. Kitsuno is not a portable fire. He has, however, offered to turn the next person who treats him as a personal fire into one.
33. Stop comparing every character and their dog to Naruto. No it isn’t funny.
34. Have you ever though that may there’s a reason Cake wears a mask?
35. Taunting the Bean with ice cream will get you severely wounded, if not killed. Just an FYI.
36. Whoever’s supplying Shadow with grenades, cease and desist.
37. Same goes for the person supplying her with swordchucks.
38. And the bladed yo-yo.
39. Shadow is no longer allowed to accept weaponry from strangers, no matter how ‘Awesometastic’ said weapons may be.
40. Yuu does not have a zanbatou, nor is he a member of the Gotei 13.
41. Kou, stop telling telling everyone that you see dead people.
42. The Great Banana-sama does not exist and he will not appear before you if you whistle “The Final Countdown” for a week straight. If we ever catch whoever told this to Fuu, they will die a painful, painful death.
43. Challenging Ravage to a duel does not show that you have a wellspring of courage, it shows that you’re an idiot. Will the individual spreading this rumor among the newbies kindly stop.
44. Yes, Souji feeds Soumaru. No you don’t want to know how that works.
45. Betting Nyo that he can’t steal something from you is stupid. We will not take responsibility for whatever you lost.
46. Tossing a banana between Fuu and Shadow is not only inhumane, but extremely dangerous.
47. Being around Sable while she is at the bar is a bad idea.
48. Marten isn’t a robot. Just because you lost to him in a game of poker doesn’t give you the right to start spreading rumours about him.
49. Rai isn’t the Bionic Commando either. Really.
50. Rai. Not Kakashi. This is not Naruto. Stop asking.
51. Yes we’re very sure.
52. That’s it, mentioning Kakashi is banned
53. Bassara is an exception to Rule 52. (I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry, now please get Koutaku off my front lawn)
54. Whoever rigged the universe to play “Disco Inferno” whenever Cain makes an appearance, you’re dead.
55. Same goes for Inferno.
56. Same goes for the Tamagos and the Rickroll.
57. Whoever’s screwing around with ParaShi’s music, stop. Now.
58. Dammit Rai that was my last fork.
59. Reiteration of Rule 47. Being around Sable if there is anything slightly alcoholic is a bad idea. We don’t care if the vodka was for cooking. Just because you can get her plastered doesn’t make it a good idea.
60. Fuu is no longer allowed to attempt to use weapons besides swords.
61. Fuu is no longer allowed to use anything besides her two katanas. We’d also like a word with whoever gave her that copy of the Buster sword.
62. Just because Nyo created the assasins guild does not mean that he is required to inhume people. We don’t care if he did, even if it did look badass.
63. Mentioning brotherly love around Ayalla is a very poor choice.
64. Mono wants his uni-goggle back. And stop using the term ‘Inverted black eye’, we don’t care if it is accurate.
65. Shadow, you have absolutely no reason to be carrying around two snails, five pieces of string, a can of bees, a hedgehog, two litres of mayonnaise, and a can of WD-40, please return them to wherever you got them. It doesn’t matter if it would be awesome. No, we're quite sure Ravage wouldn’t appreciate it.
66. Introducing Fuu to Tenrou while Fuu is in her bird form is a bad idea.
67. Naebi, just because they said that the Ginsenkei needed a giant swimming pool doesn’t mean it does. We have the Argenfluo River right next to us, we’re no that stupid.
68. Taiki’s commoner name is not Jesus. Taiki doesn’t need a commoner name. There is no such thing as a ‘Commoner Name’.
69. Whoever told Fuu that ahos were a part of a balanced diet, cease.
70. Introducing Taiki to the concept of hazing is hereby banned.
71. For the last time, no one is the Bionic Commando.
72. Yuu is not Zaraki Kenpachi, even if he does use his bandana as an eyepatch.
73. Yuu, using your bandana as an eyepatch will not turn you into Zaraki Kenpachi, stop trying.
74. Ryuu, “Ish” is never an appropriate response when getting debriefed, nor is it the only response. At least try to reply with more than one syllable.
75. Haru is no longer allowed to dress in drag.
75b. It’s because you look convincing that you have to stop. Please don’t make us sink even more money into counselling.
76. The 5th Division of the Militia is not a secret sub-division whose goal is complete control of the space-time continuum.
76b. They can’t create Quantum Zombies either.
76c.What the hell is a Quantum Zombie?
77. Tenrou is to stop calling all the new crewmates ‘Cannon-Fodder’ effective immediately.
78. Man-Eating Sunflowers are not a misnomer, telling anyone such is prohibited. Those bites hurt.
79. Taunting the Great Blue Shale is under no circumstances good idea. Attempting to do so will go unpunished as you will be dead anyways.
80. Nobu’s axe is not a bottle opener.
81. If anyone starts a sentence with “Check this out” they are to assume it is not allowed.
82. The same goes for “Know what’d be awesome?”
83. Members of the Assassin’s Guild are not required to yell ‘PWNED’ henever they kill a target. We don’t care if you’re the founder Nyo.
84. Don’t accept drinks from Shion.
84b. It’s because they cause you to see “All sorts of funky colors” that they shouldn’t be accepted. Shion, just because Haru enjoys the affects of you ‘Additives’ does not mean that everyone does.
85. Will someone get Kaizu out of that tree?
86. While possible, the Bean is not to be kept in a specimen jar.
87. Marten can say anything with a straight face. Stop testing this.
88. Ravage is not the Juggernaut.
89. Rai, you are not Iron Man. We don’t care how much Shadow is paying you to say that you are.
90. Using Shins magic to play Russian Roulette is banned. We don’t care if Kitsuno survived.
91. Kuroga is not to be used as an entertainment centre.
92. Whoever’s repeatedly telling Hyouki it’s Christmas to milk presents out of him, cease.
93. Kitsuno, get that out of your mouth.
94. Kuroga is no longer allowed to make the lavatory ‘Disappear’ at inopportune moments.
95. Outside of combat situations, Kuroga is no longer allowed to create illusions.
96. Nashiki, would you kindly tell us who’s commissioning all those swordchucks?
97. Nyo, ‘The world is your oyster’ is not to be taken literally. The world is not an oyster, and splitting it in half is a bad idea.
98. Don’t taunt Cake with cake. Please trust us on this one, we really don’t want to have to remove those stains again.
99. Wakagi, removing someone’s ability to control their bodily functions is not an acceptable practical joke. We don’t care if they had it coming to them.
100. ‘Kick-me’ signs stuck on Senma’s back will not result in him getting kicked, they will result with the perpetrator getting eviscerated.
101. They’re called the Dragon Balls. They are not, nor have they ever been part of a dragon’s anatomy. The next person to make this mistake in conjunction with Ryuu’s name will receive a glaive to their face.
101b. That goes for Tatsuen as well.
102. Telling Blitz that his memories are in a box that has fallen down a thousand foot deep ravine is not an acceptable practical joke.
103. Gin, convincing Taiki to try out your jewellery does not entitle you to market them as ‘Royal Accoutrements’.
104. Blitz is banned from inventing anything. Ever. Seriously, one Slug-Cannon is one more than we need.
105. Just because Raine is a healer does not mean that she has taken the Physician’s Oath. Remember this.
106. Just because Souji names stuff after himself doesn’t mean everyone else has to as well.
107. No Gin, you can’t change your name to Gintoki.
108. As much as we empathize with your plight you can’t quit the Ginsenkei, Taiki.
109. Not even if it’s for a higher cause.
110. There is no secret faction of the elementalist’s tasked with supplying the world with air and even if there was, we highly doubt that they would need the crown prince among their numbers to function properly.
111. Yuu, just because you can travel through time does not give you the right to go to the past and turn the elementalist’s coat of arms into two forks stuck into an afro with the word ‘Funkalicious’ written below it. Please change it back.
112. If you a see a white rabbit running along saying that it’s ‘Late for an important date,’ don’t follow it. We don’t care how awesome Haru said the place was.
113. Halo, while we can understand that people trying to steal your bandana is very aggravating, this doesn’t mean you’re allowed to throw them through a few buildings in retribution.
114. Soap is for cleaning, not eating, or microwaving. Where did you people even get a microwave in the first place?
115. Rai, stop planting bugs on people and telling them that you’re their conscience.
116. Whoever had the bright idea of using Nobu’s axe for acupuncture, you’re not to do it again.
117. Nobu would like to inform everyone that his axe is not public property. The next person to treat it as such will have it permanently imbedded in their body.
118. Haru is no longer allowed to convince Ryuu to dress in drag. We don’t know how you did it, and frankly we don’t want to. Just stop. Please. The Ginsenkei really doesn’t need that kind of a reputation.
119. Drag. No. None. Period. Horrible, horrible divine retribution if ignored.
120. No, you can’t plant a banana tree in the base. Fuu makes really weird squeaking noises whenever anyone mentions the possibility and they’re getting really annoying.
121. Tellyth, having a degree in ‘Scapegoatery’ does not entitle you to higher pay. There is no such thing as ‘Scapegoatery’. No, this doesn’t mean you are off the hook.
122. Cross’s boomerang isn’t meant to be used that way.
123. While pencils can be used as deadly weapons, please use them as such only on enemies and not your commanding officers. We don’t care how much paperwork they gave you.
124. Uki, the Ginsenkei flag isn’t stitched together from various undergarments. You’re paying for the replacements by the way.
125. Introducing Cake to MMORPGs is strictly forbidden.
126. The Ginsenkei is not edible.
127. There is no secret initiation into the Ginsenkei and it doesn’t include spraypaint, catapults, explosives, and dying the water supply purple. We are curious as to how exactly you managed to dye a river.
128. Whoever added giant frills to the uniforms, remove them at once. We don’t care if they’re all the rage with the aristocracy.
129. While planting a field of Man-Eating Sunflowers around the base as a defensive measure and an alarm was undoubtedly effective, it also means our own troops can’t make it back to base without getting half eaten. Please be sure to salt and burn the giant one when you remove them.
130. Owning a uni-goggle does not make you a pirate, Haru.
131. Shadow, the rints don’t need their personal highway, and even if you did manage to make one, they wouldn’t file their way to the kitchens. Stop slacking off and just gather them already; you know what Marten is like when he doesn’t get his rice fix.
132. Shion is no longer allowed anywhere near the mens room. It was creepy enough when you sat right across from it…
133. Haru, you are not making a Ginsenkei bishie calendar, we don’t care how much revenue you would bring in.
134. Kitsuno is not a squid, don’t encourage him.
135. Shadow, you do not have the authority to order hits on ‘That bastard that stepped on my banana’.
136. Misusing, or mistranslating Nobu’s nickname is a bad idea, doubly so if done in conjunction with fliers for the annual Ginsenkei roast.
137. Tenrou is not to be used as a sauna.
138. Toume’s blowgun is not to be used to shoot spitballs. That last one melted through a sword.
139. Toume, while we appreciate your thoroughness in your mission reports, would you kindly use less descriptive terms when explaining what exactly happened to the targets body? In fact, from now on, a simple ‘Mission accomplished’ will suffice.
140. Kou does not have the Byakugan. And what did we say about Naruto?
141. The kitsofu will not turn into a beautiful woman, no matter how much tofu you feed it.
142. Really, stop feeding it tofu, you’re promoting cannibalism. You’re going to give the thing some kind of disease.
143. None of you are legion, stop telling the prisoners that you are, it’s creeping them out.
144. The “Shark” is not going to crash into the world, and even if it was, you wouldn’t get leave because of it.
145. Uki is no longer allowed to ‘fish’. We’re here to uphold the law, not break it into tiny pieces.
146. Haru is no longer allowed to say ‘I’m on a boat’, even if he actually is on a boat.
147. Cross does not have precognitive abilities. That’s his natural eye color.
148. Cross is not a druggie. That’s cinnamon he’s eating. Stop asking him if he can ‘Hook you up with some Spice’.
149. If you meet a friendly pirate with a red-eyed crow you are to flee immediately. No exceptions. We will not take responsibility for any dismemberment that may occur should you choose to ignore this warning.
150. Cain isn’t anyone’s father. Don’t listen to him.
151. Whoever introduced Shadow to the ‘Peanut butter jelly time’ banana is to go jump in a lake.
152. Gryff, while bigger is sometimes better, it is not when concerning those flowers. Please stop trying to commit suicide and pick a normal one.
153. Aoto, next time just wait for a boat. Argenfluo needs its canals in liquid form.
154. Tenrou, nobody wants to know 1331 ways to kill a kitten. You should be jailed, tortured, executed, revived, and given to Cain for numbers 57, 391, and 846 alone.
155. Nobody wants to know 1331 ways to kill anything, please stop.
156. Yes, we did get your joke. Please don’t make it ever again.
157. Fine, 1331 ways to kill Cain is an exception.
158. Whoever taught Fuu ‘The Song That Never Ends’ is to be placed within a locked room with her for a week.
159. Killing Kyuusei to see if she actually has nine lives is not science, it’s murder. Please refrain.
160. Uki, we have been asked by the Ginsenkei in general to inform you that should you place duriangrass soap in the showers ever again you will die a horrible, horrible death, your body will be mutilated, split into three pieces, one to be given to Cain and the other two to be thrown into separate suns. You have been warned.
161. While “Fight it with fire” may be an acceptable motto for Cain, it is not for the Ginsenkei. Please remove it from all instructional pamphlets.
162. Under no circumstances should the word ‘Armageddon’ ever have to appear in any of your mission reports. Please cease.
163. Uki is the exception to Rule 163. This is not to be taken as encouragement. That house is coming out of your pay check, and should it ever happen again, we will start auctioning off your body parts to recoup the losses. You have been warned.
164. We are not the YMCA.
165. We don’t want to know why Cross is in a barrel, just get him out and never do this again.
166. Rai is not a masochist, stop telling people he is.
167. Whoever brought the cactana is to remove it immediately.
168. His name is Raitou. The next person that mixes him up with Mr. Sparkles gets forked.
169. Haru, we don’t care if you are the Commander of the Militia, you aren’t making a French maid outfit the official uniform.
170. Tomatoes are no longer allowed in the Ginsenkei headquarters.
171. If you see Inferno giving you a cheerful smile, you’re not seeing Inferno giving you a cheerful smile. Remember this.
172. Chairs are for sitting on. They are not to be used as bludgeons, projectiles, pogo-sticks, skateboards, parachutes, or anything else your twisted minds may come up with.
173. While Ravage is impressed that someone managed to steal his battleaxe, much less carry it, he would like it back. He has also added that should it not be returned by midnight, the perpetrator will lose an extra appendage for every hour it is late.
174. Yes, Cain can sparkle. No, you don’t want to see it.
174b. Asking Cain to show you the sparkles will result in horrible mutilation and death. Then we will get our hands on you.
175. Oddly enough, Shadows lack of depth perception does not hinder her ability to maim and/or kill you. Think about this before you try to take advantage of it.
176. Shadow is no longer allowed to sell personal items for bananas.
176b. Nor is she allowed to sell her beliefs.
176c. Or her soul.
176d. Or other peoples items, souls, or beliefs.
176e. Shadow is no longer allowed to possess any sensitive information whatsoever. Or items. We’re not quite sure how the soul thing works, but she’s not allowed to possess them either.
177. Haru, we don’t care how many times he dared you to juggle them, just no. What part of “Juggling. Nitroglycerin. Equals. BAD!!!!” Do you not understand?
178. Ten is no longer allowed to make comments referring to anything cute ever again.
179. Why is the sky flashing funny colours?
180. While we can’t prove who superglued moustaches and monocles to everyone’s faces, we’re pretty sure it was Uki. That’s another paycheck you’ve lost.
181. No Shion is not exaggerating when she says she can cut someone a thousand times without killing them. Asking her to prove it is volunteering. Don’t do it.
182. Contrary to popular belief, the denizens of Shift do indeed need legs.
183. Tenrou does not have anatidaephobia. Please don’t introduce him to the concept.
183b. Whoever told Tenrou about anatidaephobia will be given a bloody nose at booted off the plank.
184. Kitsuno, not all chores require the use of fire. Honestly, you’re acting disturbingly like Cain.
185. The Tamagos.
186. Waking up Aurora earlier than 9 in the morning will result in one of her ice wolves ripping your head off and feeding it to you. No, that wasn’t a mistake.
187. Blitz is not required to act completely backwards at all times. Constant pestering will net you a completely rewired nervous system.
188. The Parhelion Troop is not a demolitions team and is not to be used as such.
189. The First Squad of the Royal Army is not a glorified zoo. That being said, should you say so to their face, you will end up looking like you were ravaged by a wild beast.
190. Rai, you’re in denial. No matter what you do you’re soul will never ever be as manly, or as blazingly brilliant as Hare’s. Jumping off the observatory tower just proves how desperate you are.
191. If the Bean eats some Daifuku, it does not constitute cannibalism and even if it did, running away screaming “CANNIBAL!!!” would never be the appropriate way of informing her of such.
192. Whoever yells out “Toasty!” the next time Cain kills someone will end up being toasty. Are we clear?
192b. The same goes for anyone yelling “Brutality!”
192c. For anyone.
192d. Any and all references to Mortal Kombat, no matter how small, are hereby banned!
193. There is no ultimate embodiment of evil, it does not live in the belly of the Great Blue Shale, and all the suffering in the world will not suddenly cease should one defeat it. The next person who spreads this rumor gets their tongue cut off and shoved down their own throat. Do you know how hard it was to get Enya out of that monsters stomach without him dying?
194. Cross, your pedobear hat is not acceptable combat wear. It’s not acceptable casual wear either. In fact, it’s not acceptable period, burn it.
195. Haru is no longer allowed to imitate Franky’s “Coup de vent” attack. It’s supposed to come out of your hands anyways.
195b. Stop raiding our cola stores.
196. Uki, what the hell? The fourth of July should mean absolutely nothing to you, stop celebrating it.
196b. We don’t even have a fourth of July.
197. Bob, shouting ‘Up, up, down, down, left, right, left, right, B, A’ before a battle will do absolutely nothing. We strongly suggest that you stop.
198. l33t speak is not an acceptable form of code. We don’t care if it confuses the enemy.
199. Uki, the fusion dance does nothing, stop trying. Tel, why are you encouraging him?
199b. The same goes for the earings. Gin while we appreciate that fact that you need to do business, cease.
199c. None of you are Nameks.
200. Kuroga’s catmeleon is not an enemy ninja and it won’t kill you in your sleep, now put it down Tora.
201. Kyuusei, taking advantage of Blitz’s dream of flying is sadistic, horrible, and cruel beyond belief. We don’t know, nor do we want to know where, or how you got a rocket, just don’t do this ever again.
202. Shadow, when Bassara said that yelling had no effect whatsoever on your attacks she was being serious. What kind assassin screams ‘SNEAK ATTACK’ anyways?
203. Haru. Uki. Kamehameha. NO. Now get those barrels of nitroglycerin off Ginsenkei property before you kill us all.
204. Uki, Toume is not a Bene Gesserit and she cannot use ‘The Voice’. If you’re going to make excuses, could you at least make convincing ones?
205. Kaizu, while we’re sure your batbits are adorable, we’re also quite sure that they bite. We’re not quite certain what’s in their fangs, but Haru’s been singing about ‘My little pony’ for the last hour. Please keep them in a cage or something, and for the love of god, don’t let Shion get her hands on them.
206. Haru, Gin isn’t wearing Power Bracelets, stop calling him a cheater.
207. Ten, stop telling people that the raybus ingests some of its passengers as payment. Some of the cabin boys seem to take you seriously.
207b. We don’t want to see your proof.
208. Souji, you can’t keep the Liaphant at the base.
208b. Same goes for the Rhinopine.
208c. And the Je-… What the hell is wrong with your family?
209. Ravage, there’s a difference between hard liquor and drain cleaner. Maybe they’re the same to you, but we think Gryff’s tongue has died.
210. Sable, you can’t make ‘Lump surfing’ the initiation ritual to your crew. We don’t care that you’re the captain.
211. Whoever stole Mono’s cigarettes, please return them. He’s vibrating and we think he’s starting to wear a hole through the ship.
212. Contrary to popular belief, bandages don’t heal everything. We have Iroki here for a reason you know.
213. Whoever taught Fuu the phrase ‘It’s morphin’ time!’ please go jump in a lake.
214. Souji, Cross can’t summon dragons, stop asking him for one. We know this is your fault Bassara, quit it.
215. Kuroga, stop tossing things about with your wind and telling the orphans that you’re using the force.
216. Souji, we’re pretty sure Aurora’s ice wolves can’t breed, they’re not even real. Now let’s pretend we never had this conversation, all right?
217. Cyclone, who is Cyclone?
218. While we are aware that Iroki can form barriers, we still think firing him out of a giant cannon is a bad idea. You’re not allowed to try it.
219. Blitz, stop giving Inferno ice cream bars. Seriously, you’re being an ass.
220. Shadow, we’re pretty sure that’s face paint Gryff wears, not his natural skin colour. Kindly stop running around the base screaming about the ‘Alien’ in our midst