[Rem]

I had a bit of an epiphany the other day and I was wondering if anyone else had felt like this and what they did to work through it..so I decided to post

*clears throat* Hello
My name is Rem
and I'm addicted to being needed

Haha I know I know that's not a really unique thing, everybody wants to be needed by someone - family, friends, etc, but I kind of realized that with me it's a little more than a -want-...it's like the only thing that makes me feel content and happy and like my life has meaning, and I don't understand how I got to that point.

There's a lot of different things that fall under that too...I have a bit of a White Knight syndrome, I tend to like being someone's hero/saviour and I definitely definitely tend to fall for 'broken' people if it's shown that I make them happier and 'better'. I never thought I'd be one of those people that were like 'Oh he/she's got so many issues BUT MY LOVE CAN FIX HIM/HER' because I always knew that's bullshit but omg dude I am that person. Wtf how did that happen?! It's like...I like many people, but I only fall in love with people I can 'save'...what the crap. :/

And what's most disturbing is something I thought the other day...just one of those random thoughts you have when you're morose and feeling depressed and your brain won't shut off. I actually thought '...there is no one in my life that absolutely needs me in theirs...no one that would be devastated if I weren't around...what is the fucking point of existing??' And as soon as that thought left my brain it was like someone splashed cold water on my face. What the fuck, did I seriously feel that there was no point to my life?!.

I sure did. I had to mull that over and I came to the realization that sometime over the last few years of my life I've literally stopped caring about me in relation to myself and only care about me in relation to other people. What. What. I literally am living my life FOR OTHERS and anything other than that brings me no joy.

What the fuck when did that happen?!? I used to have major goals and dreams and they didn't involve anyone else but my own damn self. I remember being fifteen and being so excited to be out on my own so I could make a name for myself all by myself and being so like INDEPENDENCE FUCK YEAH I DON'T NEED NOBODY. And now I'm curling in balls and feeling like there's no point to living if I don't have someone leaning on me like I'm -their- reason for living? I can't tell if that's incredibly narcissistic or incredibly doormat-ish.

I mean I'm sure a LOT of this feeling of 'I have no point' comes from being engaged and then suddenly being not engaged in a way that felt like being hit by a truck while hugging a kitten, but still. I mean...I'm going to be honest here, in many many ways - I don't like myself much. But I can't believe I got to a point where I don't even need myself either. I need someone else more than I need myself?! I can't even describe how lame that is. (Hah if you can't tell I'm kind of disgusted with this revelation :/ Goddamn issues.)

So yeah, I apparently think that the whole point of living is to be someone else's something. Not my own something. Which, for the longest time, is all I wanted to be - MY OWN SOMETHING. Thing is, I don't know how to get back to that. I think about all the stuff I've wanted to accomplish and it just...it feels like 'what's the point'? And I don't know how to make myself care. Nothing seems to bring me joy, not even thinking 'oh what if someday I were to ___', none of it. Has anyone else had this feeling? How did you get back to caring about what you wanted and needed?

Sorry this is so long I just felt like idk.... sharing. xD Whee