[Muff Muff]

Dear ***,

You're still on my mind.. Every day I think about you..most of the day it seems. I can't stop listening to that song, it reminds me of us now.. And..every time I listen to it on replay all I can think of is how much I want to run into your arms. Then I get so angry..At you. At myself. At everyone. I don't want to hear, "Oh you'll get over him soon." I'm hurting for you now.. all I want is to be back with you. Safe. Secure in my feelings.. But I wasn't secure financially.. To be honest I wasn't even secure fully on my feelings. You lied constantly to your parents..You lied to me numerous times in the past.. I could never bring myself to trust you, yet I loved you. All I remember is our good times.. Our kisses..laying in bed..you holding me in your arms..Every date. Every fight is even better than this now.. How I wish I could see you again. How I'm dying to e-mail you or text you.. I want to so bad but I can't.. And it's eating me up inside. I hate living with my parents. It's nothing but more stress no matter where I go. We're stuck because they decided to bail on rent and move to here with my Grandma..Now I'm screwed and stuck. No license, no car, no real home.. I want to be back with you..Now that you have a job would things be different? Should I of waited longer? Probably not..but I did it for you. You had to keep me hidden..with your parents going to be in Utah often for the next 4-5 months it'd be impossible..You wouldn't be able to handle not having them support you.. No matter what you say, I know you couldn't do it. We could of lived off my paycheck alone till you got a job, but you wouldn't dare tell them for your sake of college..So for 10 years I'd have to stay hidden? That isn't the future I want..And it's not something I was gonna push on you any longer. You stood where you stood in your mind and I had to stand in mine.. Though it seems our past arguments, everything I hated...it's so small and stupid to me now.. But I suppose that's because I want you back. Because I feel alone. I have no friends again. Everyone at works stares at me like I'm stupid..I've never had to worry about this anywhere..This place is so different. It's so bad I want to be back in Utah...lol Go figure.

I wonder every day if you'll e-mail me with bad news again..I wonder if it was really the truth. How does someone who has one year to live wind up with a normal life-span in the ironic time it took to get someone back? If it was a lie...why couldn't you just be honest and say you made a mistake to push me away that time? I would of came back no matter what.. But I guess it doesn't matter anymore..Even if you contact me now..My mind is made up. Though I wish things were different. I wish we had a home again, my family and me. Things are tense here, and I'm afraid I'm going to get psoriasis again from the stress. I think it's so funny that I had it all over my body when you had pushed me away, and once you contacted me it went away..But if I get it again, I won't have the choice of coming back..It was just never meant to be. Three years of our lives gone..So many things could of been different.