[Misericorde]

Dear Mommy...

I lost you two months ago... But you know, it feels like it's been so much longer than that. When you died, I felt like I died... I lost my best friend that day. I lost my world... And even though I've been strong, and I've been holding on to life. I just don't feel the same without you. There are so many things I miss, and so many memories linger in my mind. But nothing stronger than the horrible way I acted the few days before your passing. I can't forgive myself for being so irate with you. I know it wasn't your fault that you were confused. I know that you weren't fully aware of what was going on. The nurses tried telling me it was because of the low sodium in your body, that it was causing confusion and delirium. But I didn't listen. Instead, I got mad at you for not eating, not drinking, and not relaxing and getting better. I hated you for being sick. I hated you for leaving me. You promised me that you'd never leave me. And I know it wasn't your fault... But you didn't try to stop it. We all begged you to quit smoking. No one more than I. But you smoked anyway. And until you lost your consciousness, you still wanted a cigarette. You couldn't understand that the cancer was killing you. We all hoped and prayed that you'd come through... But you didn't. You left me on November 26th, 2010... And I wish I could go back and fix you, make you all better... But I can't. And now, every day, for the rest of my life, I have to live with knowing that the last time I talked to you, knowing you knew what I was saying, I told you that I would never come visit you again. Why did I say that? Because you kept begging for a cigarette. Because you refused to eat or drink anything. Because you were SICK and I felt there was nothing I could do about it. And there wasn't a damn thing I could have done, but what I should have done was support you and tell you I love you and reassure you that I'd always be there... Mommy I hope you can forgive me fuck I fucking hate myself for acting that way... I miss your laugh, your voice, your scent, your everything. The way you would say good night, the way you whispered your good byes on the phone, the way you greeted me when you picked me up from school, or at home to go do things. I'll never forget anything, not the good, and certainly not the bad... But I do want to feel better. I don't want to be so sad anymore. I'm tired of crying mommy... So I ask you to help me get better. I know you're my guardian angel now, and I know you can help me. Please help me mommy... I love you. I miss you. I always will... I hope I see you again some day...

Love, Danielle.

R.i.P MoM

P.S; I wish I could have typed this without crying... Please help me be stronger mom. And please help dad... He needs it more than me. He misses you so much, and needs your help so bad. Please help us...