[Fizzyology]

Dear Grandpa,

Thank you so much for being there at my wedding. I never said it but I was so happy that you were there, despite the pain that you had been going through. I know you were never good at expressing yourself, and you always put your family before yourself.

I'm sorry I wasn't there when your cancer spread, and you were stuck to the hospital bed in your house. It was just so hard and awkward to be around you. I didn't know what to say or how to act, not medications they put you on changed you, and you acted so differently, like you didn't care if you died.

God I miss you so much. I know that I should be happy that you're in a better place and you're not in pain anymore, but I can't help but wish you were still here so I can see you again.

In 11 days from now, it'll be the first anniversary of your death and I don't know how things are going to be. I'm worried about grandma, she nearly lost it on the day it was supposed to be your 50th wedding anniversary. I'm afraid that Mom will end up in a mental facility again and I don't think Dad can take that again.

I wish you were here to see your great grandchild. She's so cute. Tabitha may not have been attached to you as much as I was, but I know she still wishes you could have seen her baby.

I keep having to take breaks to type this up, it still hits hard when I think about you.

When Grandma said she found the recording of my wedding that you took I was so happy. I thought it had been lost. And when I heard your voice for the first time in months when I watched it, I couldn't stop crying.

And that nightmare, I can't get it out of my head. I can't stop thinking about how I dreamed picking up the phone and hearing your voice clear as day asking me for help, and when those two angles told me you were in hell. I was so scared when I woke up. I know that it was just a nightmare and it's not true, you're in HEAVEN, but I can't stop thinking about it.

I'd give my life if it meant you could get out of hell. At the same time, I feel angry with myself because I was HAPPY to hear your voice, asking me for help or not, I was HAPPY.

I want to see you again so much. I miss you more then I can bare sometimes. Even with Patrick there to help me there's just times where I feel like I'm helpless without being able to hear my Grumpy playfully joke with me.

Please be alright in Heaven Grandpa, and give me the strength to wait to see you until it's my time.

I love you so much and I'll never stop missing you.