[DreadedMartian]

My mother was diagnosed with 2 types of cancer February of 2022. I quit my job, left my own home to move in with her to help her. There were so many ups and downs and besides my sister who lives in Tennessee I was the only one helping my mom. My mental health fragmented. I couldn't sleep. I was constantly so afraid something awful would happen. I pushed myself past limits I didn't know existed. To this day it still feels like it wasn't enough no matter how hard I tried.

After getting an infection from arthritis it seemed like things were bouncing back. My mother could walk again with her walker without having to assist. She was very insecure about losing her independence. So having her move around and do things on her own gave us both a lot of hope.

On July 3rd she laid down to take a nap and so did I. Worst choice I ever made. I woke up to this feeling I can't truly describe. It was like an electric pulse shooting through my soul. I went upstairs to check on her and she looked so peaceful.

She must have had a seizure while napping and aspirated in her sleep. I called 911 and performed CPR till help came. She did not make it.

Now at 32 I'm so lost. I feel like I have no identity. But truly the worst thing is feeling like I failed her. I couldn't save her.

Now I've subconsciously turned myself into a hermit. I tried getting another job but it doesn't feel it's going to work out. I really want it to because I truly enjoy it but my brain can't seem to get its shit together. I cry constantly. Which isn't really new, but has increased to a very inconvenient rate of damn near every time I have a thought.