[Merskelly Metalien]

;U; My heart is hurtin'.
</3
Feels like a heavy iron ball is crushing my feelings into goo.
And I did this to myself.
;U; Why? Why do I do this to myself??

Spoilers for swear-y Rant of Depression

(Cannot stop thinking about my trauma suddenly and all of the self-hatred is coming back out of nowhere. And it's turning into heartache, fury, regret and contempt. Fucking hell, I am doing it all over again, and I'm not stopping it. I'm literally falling off the damn horse.
Something reminded me today of my abusive ex friend and something else reminded me that I may have to find another mental health professional since my medical insurance has changed. Yet another thing reminded me that I haven't gotten any texts from any of the friends I had tried connecting with again over the first three months of the year...
Now I am remembering the bad times I had in high school and my body is being reminded of how little I took care of it, and how I prioritized someone's overall wellness and health above my own for the sake of religious creed. Now because I have suffered for it, I have no faith anymore, and I absolutely hate myself for trying to be a good person and failing myself in the process. I starved myself of all that I needed, just for someone else. And that someone else used me like a tube of toothpaste, squeezing me down to the last bits, slowly. And when I left, I felt like I had been a total fool, because in the end, she wasn't even worth the effort of picking up a pencil for her. And yet, I gave her my life...and it tore me apart. I feel the damage that she had done to me, so many years ago. It still hurts, and I want to scream about it, but I won't. I'll keep quiet like the caged animal I know how to be...
Oh, and of course I'll also put my best foot out while visiting hours are in effect. Just so I don't have to show anyone my scars or have to explain the complexity of my emotions. That's what I've always done. It's not helping me. It's not making me feel any better. But when I'm hurting this much, I typically find a way to express it, and try my hardest to release that feeling in some manner.
Anyways,
I'm real close to giving up on myself. This might be a nasty rut, but I'm sinking into it. I think the only thing that will help me get out of it has a slim chance of occurring. That one thing is expressed affection...)

And now I have dishes to do! <X'} </3 *sobs comically*