[Merskelly Metalien]

I woke up pissed off and sad this morning, thanks to the dream I had last night. 8/

In the dream,
I was not me, but also me. O-o; Like, I was cuter, had better clothes and my hair was shorter.
And I was with my boyfriend and his friends, kicking back in someone's convertible while we waited in my old neighborhood for someone else to arrive. I say boyfriend, though I didn't recognize him, wasn't even a past boyfriend, and I have never met him irl, but in the dream, we were together. /8[
Anyway, as we waited, I just kept quiet and on my phone while they all chatted, and I started to get more and more teed off. >:/ Mainly because his friends were all stupid and rude, kept telling edgy immature jokes, and began talking about chicks right in front of me. I don't think they even noticed I was there, not even "my boyfriend" seemed to care, and they all talked about me right in front of me, like I wasn't even there! There was just no signs of respect for me to be found at all.

So, I wriggled out of my boyfriend's side, and got out of the car with my stuff. =_= He was all, "hey, where are you going?" and "What's wrong?"
And I just kept silent, with my blood just boiling. >:C And I slammed the door on him after pushing his leg back in the car.
His friends all stopped talking and just murmured and chuckled to each other. I think I heard one of them say, "Woo, eesh, bit of a hothead huh?"

Now, In this situation, I would typically just stay quiet and walk away, as I'm just naturally passive like that. But dream me is different. 0-0

8[ I took a nearby mailbox, (that's right, MAILBOX. The whole box AND the wooden post it sat on!) yanked it out of the ground, and threw it at the car with my boyfriend and his buddies in it. Then I proceeded to yell at him, and call them all assholes! >:{ I then stormed off across the street to go to my old house, not caring that my boyfriend was pursuing me with NO CLUE as to why I should be upset. His friends were all in awe at the dent I made in the car, and commenting on my "cute explosive temper", chuckling and throwing pity laughs as they watched him try to "calm me down".

B{ I made it to my old house's porch, and he was behind me, trying to understand what it is that I wanted from him. He asked if it was something he and his friends said, or if I was "just on the period", or if I was impatient.
=~= I wasn't having any of my boyfriend's shit, and totally bit his head off any way that I could. I mean, I went for his jugular. 8[ I gave him a worse scolding than his mother and grandma combined.

He did apologize but then he wanted me to come back to the car with him so we could all go to the mall or wherever together. >B{ I told him how if I ever wanted to meet his friends and feel welcome as a part of the group, that it was possibly the worst way to do it, as he didn't even properly introduce me. I was just, "the girlfriend." >:/ And I was sick of feeling invisible, excluded and made out to be no one but an accessory. And I felt like an accessory, not a person. I told him that I wouldn't take that sort of disrespect, even from his close friends.

He promised that he'd introduce me properly and that he'd make his friends understand that I have feelings and deserve their acknowledgement and respect,
B[ But I didn't believe it'd be that simple. I stood cold and stubborn in my anger, and refused to go back. >n< I told him that it wouldn't work, and I wasn't about to just change their minds because he vouches for me. >:C I said "Go without me, since it's obvious you want to spend time with those idiots instead of with some accessory."

We fought on the porch for a bit longer, and he managed to get me to come back to the car, and give the group another chance, since he planned for us to all go out and have fun together.

I went with such a scowl on my face. >Bc And stood quiet while my boyfriend introduced me properly, and got his friends to listen. He then motioned for me to greet everyone over again, as before, I greeted them with a polite and passive optimism. >B/ I just stood there, looking at him, then at his friends as they all introduced themselves to me. But it was patronizing, like I was a 4 year old who was looking for an apology. I just silently acknowledged them all, my scowl lightening off, but I was still pissed off at their babying of me.

Finally, just as my boyfriend got in the car and thought all was well and resolved, they all went back to talking with one another, and totally ignoring me. >8c I didn't get back in, and retreated back across the street, storming off once again, and once again, my boyfriend yelled after me, and followed behind, with his buddies calling him back and saying, "let her go!" and "she's not worth it!"

>:C I furiously turned heel, and stamped right up to my boyfriend and shoved my phone in his hand, and my things. I told him not to call me and to give those things to a girl who's happy to be a cute doll for him to drag along wherever he likes. I then went into my house, with him following me to my room, but I couldn't slam the door behind me, since, 8/ well, my old bedroom never had a door.

(Well, it did when we left the house and moved, :/ but I don't usually recall that door in my room in dreams.)
I told him to get out, go away and leave me alone. >:{ And I curled up in my bed, hiding myself in a bunch of blankets, in tears, angry...furious. <B{ And also very sad.

He tried to comfort the blanket blob that was me, but I just kicked him off, with angry murmurs and growls. B{ So he just sat beside me instead. I didn't listen to anything he had to say, and just cried into the blankets. <B{ I just couldn't stress enough, how I wanted to just be welcomed, treated right, and feel included. But now I felt jealous that his buddies could make him laugh more genuinely and way better than I could. And if I couldn't make him happy but his friends could, why does he even want to be with me? >:'{ I got even more upset and felt more alone, that I am just some girl that looked cute to him, and he's pursuing for pleasurable companysake. That I'm nothing more than an attempt to feel like he has something nice and female in his life.

I knew he loved me. And it was sad, because I didn't love him the same way I knew he loved me for. <B{ and it reminded me just how I felt with guys and their friends irl, and of my ex-bf for misinterpreting my feelings, and my asexuality not being compatible with him at all...I felt hopeless, and angry, and just shut off. <B/

Then I woke up...
and I remembered, "Oh, that's right." <x'} "I don't have a boyfriend. Lol! Why am I even sangry?"