I have a trigger. It's a trigger I've known about for a long time, but by its very nature it's something that's exceptionally hard to deal with. Most other triggers are just difficult because it's traumatic, which certainly isn't to be understated, but the trigger is separate from the response to it.
My trigger is helplessness.
It is exactly when I'm in a bad situation that I can't do anything about that I have a complete meltdown. Which, of course, is a situation I'm helpless to deal with by the very nature that
I'm in the middle of a meltdown. It can spiral into an panic attack
very quickly.
Even worse is when the original situation is something that I would normally be able to resolve, but I'm not ALLOWED to do something about it. That's a
special kind of stress. Wikipedia's article on
double binds is exceptionally insightful here.
I also... don't deal with panic attacks very well. I mean, the whole idea behind a panic attack is that it's something that you can't deal with, but I turn into an incoherent babbling mess, not fully able to express anything, hyperventilating, alternating between paralysis and flailing violence (thankfully my fundamental aversion to hurting
people makes it so that even in this state I've never attacked anyone, and I usually manage to avoid damaging anything). This time around I was pounding on the floor screaming for help because I couldn't breathe. I think I may have bruised my hands...
I guess in the end I'm grateful that the circumstances necessary to put me in this state are rare enough that I've only had this happen... I think four times in my life?