[Kaderin Triste]

I feel like such a waste. A waste of space, a waste of time. A lost cause. Like I could slip through the cracks and disappear and no one would know. Or care. I could just go away forever and everyone would be so much better off without me. I wouldn't be whining or complaining; being an emotional drain. And no one would have to waste their money on me; buying lunch or gifts. People say they'd notice, that they'd care, but they're lying. My contact with the outside world is so...sporadic for lack of a better word, that it would take days for anyone to even notice. Days before work got curious and called someone. Or maybe my bosses wouldn't care, they'd just consider me fired and move on.
I mean, lets face it, I deactivate my Facebook often, usually for no reason, I seldom answer texts from "friends", and I've been known to take weeks, even months, off from my sites. Sometimes more actually. I'm only active here and no one would probably even notice I was gone from here. At least until the next event. It would be so easy. I can't do it though. I want to so much sometimes. Well, actually I haven't wanted to for many years, but my current circumstances being what they are, it's all coming back in one big wave of nothingness. Of complete emotional numbness. Of wanting to die, just wanting to end it all so I don't have to deal with all the bullshit and pain that humans inflict upon each other. I mean, hell, I don't have a purpose in life. I'm not procreating or doing anything great with mu life. I'm not changing the world. I'm just one big waste. But I'm too weak, no, not weak. Too concerned I guess to actually do it. If I knew it would be fast and painless maybe I'd try. I'd end it and let the garbage of my life be thrown out in the dumpster, left for the vultures to pick through it in the alley and collect the best of remains of a useless person. Then my thoughts turn to cutting like I used to do, not with a blade like most people, but with thumbtacks and sewing needles, just scratching over and over endless until they were deep enough wounds to bleed. Hurts more that way, and that's all I want. Pain. Something to feel. Something to show that I'm not okay. But no one sees or cares, they always just look away, uncomfortable, ashamed for me, but never willing to acknowledge that I am a person. Someone who just wants someone ymto say "I care" and actually mean it. Because, let's face it, everyone claims to care when you talk about this stuff, but they don't really. They just say that to try to talk you down, but you wouldn't even notice if I disappeared. And we both know it. But nothing will happen. Not now anyway. I still have the cats to take care of and that, though small, gives me a reason to live. And my current circumstances won't last forever. Hopefully.
But for now, the numb emptiness has returned. In full force. I just want to sleep forever.