[SparX]

I am so sick of this feeling. I am so sick of seeing those around who are supposed to care the most completely ignore me on a daily basis. I am so tired of trying to reach out and engage with others only to have it tossed back in my face as they talk to everyone BUT me. To watch yourself get replaced by others because you just aren't around at the moment. . . I have attempted to show my disdain. I have also attempted to pull back from the situation, truthfully hoping someone would notice and would try to bring me back in. In reality, it shows me the truth I have known all along. I do not belong. It could be on the chat, it could be in person, it can even be here on trisphee sometimes. And the farther along this year gets the more I feel I just need to disappear. Everything goes on fine without me, I have seen it with my own eyes. For weeks I can disappear without even a single person recognizing or acknowledging my absence. Seeing this only drives me deeper into myself, into the black poison of my own self-degrading thoughts. I really just don't know how much more I can take. I don't know how much longer I can be around this, and worse is that THIS is my entire life, from internet to real world. . . there is hardly any difference in the words and actions being said and done, only the faces and voices they are being said and done by.