[Potironette]

I'm not a nice person. It's weird because all my life I've basically had a complex where I thought I was a victim of everything and I was too kind and needed to learn to be rude. Now I'm actually learning to make my family unhappy. It's a whole deal less stressful, but I can't claim to be a nice person anymore. I don't know if it's a good or a bad thing. There's this one family member who always tells my mom how everything I do shows that I'm "spoiled" and "bratty." I end up just continuing those behaviors hoping she'll become physically ill from stress. I don't know who it's hurting more.

I don't know, can people be one way with certain family members and be another way with strangers? Being rude to the one family member I dislike has made me a whole deal more comfortable around strangers and everyone else. Weird. But also not weird. I don't want to live my life bowing my head down to seniors now do I? I don't want to live my life "respecting" people if "respect" means nodding my head and smiling to ideas I don't agree with. I don't want to live life as an idiot who can't stand up for myself now do I? Do I have a victim complex? I don't want to have a victim complex :/. Why is it that I'm most productive when I'm angry at someone or something and avoiding said someone or something? Why is it that when I'm not avoiding someone or something out of anger or frustration I seem to be so stagnant? Why is my stream of consciousness all over the place?

All my life, the idea of supportive parents has been pretty foreign to me. As if parents were supportive, hah! Besides, one of them isn't even my birth parent--and they're pretty much a rat that talks about me behind my back (and I can still catch murmurs. No wonder I used to be so shy. Shyness is a form of narcissism isn't it? Thinking that people care enough about you (albeit in a bad way) to hurt you by judging you semi-openly.

But you know what? None of that actually matters. I've always felt like I shouldn't get close to people for some reason, and paired with that that I couldn't get close to people because I didn't know how to be around people. But maybe it isn't that I don't know how to be around people, but that the people I live with aren't people. There are good people at school, and they're kinder than my parents have ever been to me, even if that's just how they treat strangers. Heck, strangers treat me better than my family treats me. I like strangers better than family...do I feel that if I get close to someone they'll turn out like my parents? And if I do that's stupid. Not everyone likes to insult people right to their backs. Not everyone talks behind others' backs to you. And also, there's really no point in just taking it if they do. The more I confront it, the more I learn. To hell with fear about those things. To hell with that stupidly hiding myself behind silence. How far's silence supposed to take me if I don't at least rile the other person up a bit? If I don't at least make them realize there's no point in trying to insult me with words when they know I can hear them but they can't see me?

All my life I've wanted the strength to "be rude" to someone. But I guess what I really wanted was the strength to stand up for myself, and to use words as a sword that acted as an impenetrable shield. I don't want to isolate myself forever and I certainly don't want to get a victim complex over this. And even if I do feel like a victim, who says thinking one's a victim is an excuse for not trying to change?