[Natsunaine]

So, In the tradition of my birthday failures. (All of my birthdays have had something majorly bad happen since i was about 12) A friend of mine cut his wrist open at my party in an attempt to kill himself.. I called the ambulance and he refused to go, and in our state they are not allowed to force him to go even though they know he was attempting, So i will be staying up with him all night... But I know what your'e thinking. "Natsu, this is sad by why are you leaving for a while?"

Well, In the process of all of that I had to clean his blood up, And find out he was trying to kill himself because he had done something to me he thought would make me miserable and he thought killing himself would fix it..

A little back story into my life, When I was younger, I had a girlfriend die bleeding in my arms. When I was 17, My mother tried many various ways to kill herself in an unstable condition. One of which was me waking up to her arm cut open bleeding out, and I had to hold her down and close the wound while the ambulance came... in October of my 17th year of age, My mother offically killed herself, and my father followed 2 months later... That and a sting of other people and close friends doing the same...

All of this i have struggled with for a while.. But today hit the nail on the head when I was told it was because of me... Granted I feel guilty for my parents death.. As my father left me a note saying that it was my fault...I got passed that..

But the mixture of seeing my friend die in front of me with the words of him saying it was my fault, and just a mixture of emotions from that night... Something has clicked in my mind.. I honestly do not feel the same, I feel shattered.. I feel like an empty shell.. And I will probably need time to recover from it.. As I don't want anyone to come into harm from my possible mood swings or cold attitude I think it is best i take a break from everything and try to fix myself..

Anyways... Thanks for listening.. I promise to keep in touch with those who might worry...