[Pinkie]

Pog: it dosent bother me if it didn't I wouldn't respond...as for everything else I try. I mean I try not to let the things like that bother the little things of life. They usually don't. Because of everything I have been through (even almost succeeding at my own suicide) I have the patience of a saint. I take everything in stride until one breaking point then it becomes all undone in a split second.

I guess what I am trying to say is that I am a totem for everyone until the weight of everything becomes to much and I snap. This always ends bad but I have tried so many ways to change things. Though the one thing that my therapist tells me I need to do I just can't...I can't cry. Maybe I have no tears left...

Coda: actually I have read that before I think...it sounds and looks so familiar. And it's a combination of everything just life in general that makes me think and fret and worry.

It's weird for me the little things bug me yes they do I won't deny that but I find that the larger ones that should effect me more don't really effect me much at all. Not until everything has calmed down for everything then it hits me hard...

Like for example my father's health. Everyone is all freaked and worried and stressed. Hell so am I but I just...don't show it. It will be the same when he passes. Everyone will loose their shit and I'll clean up right after them. Months will pass and then I will randomly think of it then everything crashes and burns...but just for me and no one ever finds out about it because it's when I am alone.

Solitary is my only solace...yet apparently it's my worst down fall.