[Pinkie]

I understand that and I try so hard it just seems to get me no where. I know that it is not just one of those things that happens over night but...I don't know...I just want to feel happiness again. Like actual happiness not a facade I put to make others think that I'm okay...

I'm not okay...I'm far from it...but I want to be.

I have lost so many things in my life due to my personal issues that it makes matters worse. I try so hard to pull out of things but it's so so so hard to do alone.

I had only truly trusted one person in my life and he destroyed any....willingness I had left to trust anyone...people are dark and cruel and say what you want just so they get what they want. It's a very vicious cycle and one that no matter what I do I can't break.

I find myself caring less and less each day about anything and I don't know how to stop it.

In real life I'm a loner. I go to work then go home...that's it that's my life. I don't drink or party or go galavanting and because of this I have lost friends...lost of them. It seems to me that not partaking in societies view of...normal...has destroyed me in more ways then one.

I find it easy to talk here because no one knows the real me...how sad, lonely, hurt, heartbroken, and chastised I really am. It's almost like I am some one completely different but only because I can hide my real self....just another mask I guess.

I just wish there would be a change...I don't want to be this way but it's all I know.