[Coda]

There was a time when I would have only been able to offer basic sympathy to such a description, Suze, but I've been there now. I understand how you feel.

I was trapped in a catch-22 with a toxic work environment and an illegal contract but no means to combat it. It slowly ground my ego into paste and drained me of my resiliency, my ability to keep going, and my savings. And then I got fired and screwed over for seventy thousand dollars with no safety net, no friends, and no portfolio. Your description is a very accurate reflection of how I felt at that time, and even after I got a job the damage still ruined my physical and emotional health, and being employed didn't really help with actually being able to get things done.

It's now two and a half years later. I got help, and with time I've been able to mostly heal. I can still feel the scars. It doesn't take a whole lot of stress to put me back in a bad place. It doesn't take much more than that to get me down to where I can't even bring myself to be upset about the fact that I'm IN that bad place. But every day that goes by where I can keep myself out of that bad place makes me a little bit stronger, makes it take a little bit more stress to trigger the spiral, makes it a little more likely that I can keep the world in perspective when things happen.

Getting fired from what was very nearly my dream job was a major blow. I ended up back down at the bottom for a couple months. But I was able to recover from that -- and I fully believe you can recover, too. I know it feels impossible when you can't even muster enough willpower to TRY to do anything about it, but it IS possible.

Hang in there, Suze.

EDIT: I think the worst part of that whole experience for me was the fact that I DIDN'T REALIZE that that's what was wrong with me for almost a year. I just didn't find joy in things and didn't really know how to have fun, and I'd find myself sitting at my desk staring at my monitor and not doing anything, and I didn't know WHY.