[Suzerain of Sheol]

My entire life seems to be an exercise in trying to pass time.

I have absolutely crippling depression and seem to suffer from some kind of existential dysphoria where just being conscious most days is psychically painful for me. Combine having rich, indulgent parents and a profound desire to do absolutely nothing with my life and you have me spending probably the last two years since getting out of college barely getting out of bed. Having absolutely shattered health and constitution doesn't exactly help with that.

So, every waking moment is more or less me bombarding myself with distractions, waiting until it's late enough that I can drug myself to sleep and kill 12 hours that way. I also apparently function in a constant state of time dilation, where I'll wake up around 1 pm and seemingly without any time passing and with me barely moving, it'll be 6 and I have to force myself up to go drink/eat something if I don't want to end up in the hospital for dehydration.

I get about 3 hours a night, from about midnight to 3 am, where I actually feel awake and lucid, but that's... rather limiting in terms of what I can actually do, and usually results in me just wasting the time anyway. It's just staggering sometimes how entire months will go by in what feels like only a couple of days. It feels like my brain just can't keep up with passing time. I need every day to be twice as long as it is.

The real problem, though, is that there isn't anything I'd rather be doing. I don't really derive any kind of meaning from my life, don't have any particular ambitions, don't seem to draw real joy from anything I do, and pretty much feel like I'm just laying around waiting to die.

Oh well. I'm amazingly untroubled by that, and seemingly too indifferent to reality to care about how disturbing that is.

Hope you're all having a cheery day.