[Lawtan]

Ignore this. I am just rambling to get it out of my system.

Not in the "the voices tell me to do "X"" way, but in the "my anxiety mixed with depression and OCD causes me to be disabled" way.

So, as the year is nearing its last weeks, I just continue to try to survive in spite of myself. I try to distract myself from my thoughts- I try to be enthusiastic and cheery for other people. It's not a mask - in that it is not fake - but I do use it to cover up my problems.

I don't feel like I can accept myself - I detest myself for things I can't control. Hell, I don't even know what to accept of myself. If I do anything - establish relationships or friendships with people outside of the internet where I can be a partial blur, they will automatically start to think of what I should be...and I am scared of that. I can only see myself outside of "me" in terms of pain and intentionally surreal. Like a ham. I can be me if I am a ham.

I am scared of teachers, and of other guys...probably because of my past (Teachers in the past - some, not all - would push me into an unhealthy state while guys would assault me without being dealt with.) I sort of realized this because the teachers and roommates that have excited my anxiety have resembled the ones in my past enough to scare me into thinking them hostile from the start. While the roommate was irresponsible...after talking to them today, I realized that the professor isn't the monster I thought they were. I don't trust people.

I am terrified of and shut down in grabbing situations and go mute when a person is too close/loud. I spend about 1/3 of every day dealing with suicidal fantasies. Little poems and visions of me hanging. Dreams of the nearby train track running me over. I make plans just to shut them up.

It isn't as bad as 2 years ago. I know I won't follow through. It's just that I have barely improved to "functional/average" student (B's and C's...1 A, 1 D). That would be okay, but the stuff that has happened leaves me with the inability to be proud of myself - to like myself.

To calm myself down, I imagine worlds and stories and characters. I somewhat feel like it is the only way I can let myself feel anything other than anxiety and pain.

Family is not doing better. Mom possibly had another ministroke (that or a paralyzing migraine), and Dad is desensitized to her health, and things in general. The company is getting to him.
Grandparents are refusing to take care of themselves for the most part, and Uncle is having problems with weight and dizziness.

I just want to say that if I break at all, like I did a few days ago - I try to keep cheery for everyone - I apologize. I also apologize for rambling. I am just tired.