I posted this on FB, but I just really needed to post here, to vent a bit, because onion ninjas. Don't feel obliged to reply; I just really need to get this out.
I am confused. My feelings are confused. Apparently I am experiencing something of a cross between depression and hope...?
I accidentally got to thinking, what if current!Espy could talk to sophomore!Espy? Or HS!Espy? There would be...a lot to say. There would be a lot that past!Espy would be disappointed, that current!Espy still hasn't figured out. But there'd also be so much that current!Espy could tell past!Espy.
I could tell her that depression will be a thing, and it's going to be hard. After all, I've always been a realist (and an idealist, simultaneously). It's going to be really, really difficult, and I wouldn't lie to her. I don't mince my words and never have.
But she would build up walls, lose a bit of her identity in the process, find another identity buried in that sand pit they decided to call home, and eventually chisel out a door. It would take lots of heartache and disappointment and frustration. Ultimately, it would be worth it in some sense.
And she would ask me questions. She would ask me if the future year of staying at home would help my grades. I wouldn't be able to tell her. I wouldn't be able to tell her whether I graduated in five years, or six, or at all. I wouldn't be able to tell her what GPA I ended up with the semester after that year off. She would easily see through me, see my discomfort and uncertainty, and be disappointed that I wasn't getting A's or B's.
But she would realize that I've survived until now. That I could tell her these things would mean, to her, that she made it, that they at least figured out bits and pieces of their own identity, who they really wanted to be, and started really growing into that. And that would really be the important part, that I would never fully lose all hope for the entire year before I started treatment for MDD, or the entire eight months afterwards. And she would know that she's really a survivor, and would continue to be.
Of course, I'd love to be able to have my future self tell me, in maybe a year or two, that all's going well -- I haven't failed any classes yet, I've been keeping healthy, migraines are a minor annoyance that just have to be dealt with when they come, but nothing more serious than that. That I had survived a couple more potentially grueling years, that my fears, right now, were for naught. And really, that's all I want, to be able to look back and say, "Hey, I wish I could go back in time so that 2015!Espy knows about this".
...I guess that's what I gotta work towards, huh.