[contrabandturtlekitty]

I am personally a lil bit insecure with sharing ANYTHING about my life on here(or anywhere literally!) I tend to always end up having a stalker or a person that becomes obsessed with me(i honestly learned about computers and hacking just so that way i feel a lil bit safer about being on the internet) or i have an online love intressed but i dont trust them (cuz duu this is the internet?!?)so in all honesty that's y i said i don't like to talk about my "outside" life other than my hobbies and such. But even though im new on here and i probably shouldnt make my first real "post" or whatever about how right now my life feels like its in a whirlpool but im going to do it cuz right now that's all i keep thinking about...so here goes nothing. ive recently graduated high school even though i turned 20 this year...and since my father passed about 9 years ago ive been secretly fighting my depression and ive been hiding it from my mom and well...this last summer my depression got so bad that i couldnt hide it anymore...and when i asked my mom for help she thought i was just getting cold feet about going to college...and everytime i asked her for help she would just say i didnt have depression even though i kept trying to tell her the only way i could get those words out of my mouth and then she finally caved and said if i really truly thought i had depression then i should go see the doctor...so i got the soonest appointment i could get cause i was to the point i thought about hurting myself every single day at least 2/3 times...i told the doctor this and she called my mother and told her to come down to the doctors office and told my mother to take me to a mental hospital that was an hour away...my mom looked at me extremely pissed off and hurt and upset and didnt say anything to me the whole way there...she wouldnt even look at me...i was terrified....i had just wanted help and i felt like my mother was going to leave me there at that mental hospital and forget that i ever existed...but luckly enough i had told my boyfriend what all was going on and while i was at the mental hospital he came and visited me everyday...he even picked me up when they let me go...my mom visited me once when i was in there...once....and the whole time she was there she was pissed off because my boyfriend was there supporting me...making me laugh and encouraging me....and now that im out...me and my boyfriend are closer than ever while me and my mother....are planets apart...and im trying to bring us closer together....but i partially feel like...its an uphill battle...a week after i was out i only came home twice and my mom wasnt home for ether one of those times...the rest of the time i was staying with my grandma...i just have this sickening feeling recently that things wont get better till im out of the house...but idk if thats the smartest idea now since i cant go to college(cuz of the mental stability)since i need a routine which ive been working on everyday and ive been doing better but with all this...idk what i should do...and to put the cherry on top...idk what to do with my life now that i feel more like...me...i feel like if i put my time into it i could become a writer but id have to work on my grammar ALOT cuz i suck at it obviously...but i also kinda dream about owning a store or a bar one day or that i could create beautiful artworks all the time...but none of those jobs provide stable pay...and thats what i have to worry about is a stable income to pay for the medical bills, car insurance, phonebill, etc.etc...