[Chi]

Hey everyone, I'm going to skip my usual text style and just spill a lot of things I've been thinking about. This is still the place for these sort of things, right?

Where do I begin? I guess maybe introduce myself a bit for those of you who don't know me. Sorry if this is starting to sound like a resume or something but I am looking for assistance, guidance, help, anything anyone can offer. My name is Chi sometimes I go by Serah and I used to go by my real name but I really prefer Jo. I'll be 25 in December, I'm a college graduate and still live with my parents. Now this really sounds like a resume, sorry about that. Now that's out of the way I'm going to get into it and just lay everything out there.

I've only dated two guys. The first one was for three years and the second one was for five years. I wasn't treated right by either of them. The first one I've learned to forgive. I wanted to stay in his life but he's moved on and I don't want to be a burden. I never asked him, so I can't be absolutely sure but, I think he still had feelings for me until he met his (now) wife. I don't want to ruin that for him so I stopped talking to him. I love him still but I'm happy that he's happy now. As for my second boyfriend. He was abusive. I don't want to trigger anyone so I'll leave it at that... I finally broke up with him three years ago and have been single since. You're probably wondering why I've opened with back story. Well, here's the thing. I think I'm asexual. Or at least demisexual. I haven't had any interest in sex or sexual acts for years. I am on the pill so that may be fueling that a bit but I'm not certain. Because of this, I'm afraid I'll never find a mate. I wanted to be at least engaged by the time I was 25 but it doesn't seem like that's going to happen. This thought makes me feel lonely and isolated. I don't care what gender a person is but sex just seems so unlikely. Who would ever want to be with me?

I used to have a group of friends but after high school, we all kind of dispersed. There was only one person I kept in touch with but even that person I've stopped talking to. I don't want to share what happened between said person and I because I don't believe that's fair to him/her. After that happened, the only friends I have now live in different states. While I'm thankful to have any friends at all but I'm still lonely. I find it really difficult to connect with people. I'm about to start working two jobs and even at my current one, I don't have any coworkers I would consider friends. I've tried putting myself "out there" to make new friends but nothing comes of it. I even thought I made some new friends a few months ago but now we don't speak. It makes me feel that I did something wrong. And it hurts. I wanted to make more friends which I thought I had but I guess perhaps I didn't. I'm still trying to build on my friendship with these people since I think maybe we could become friends or better friends? I'm so unsure though.

I have still been doing terribly in the job market. I graduated last December and I'm still working retail. I'm about to start a second retail job because my current one isn't giving out enough hours. My major is in Computer Science, I thought I was going to be a programmer but now I'm not so sure. I think I may be better suited for testing than creating. Or actually, even doing Technical Support, I would be happy doing that too. (I think) However, I've been having a lot of difficulty finding these jobs or getting them when I find them. I've sent in multiple resumes and most of the time I get no response or I do and they don't want me. I guess I'm not good enough. It's making me feel worthless. My dad told me to just let it roll off my back like water but I can't. This keeps happening and happening and it will continue to happen until it eventually doesn't but it's really wearing down on my self esteem. I don't mean to sound like a whiny little kid but it's so difficult to find a job and even more difficult to find a job you enjoy.

With all of these things that have been going on, I've started seeing a psychologist. I know I have depression and I know I have anxiety. So, I thought getting help is better than sitting in my own sadness. While she has been really helpful, she just went on vacation so I won't be able to see her for three weeks. She left while I'm at the low end of my life. I don't know who else to talk to because my family doesn't understand why I'm like this and my friends aren't sure what to say to me. I have tried explaining to my family how I feel and how I react but they just tell me to get over it to "stop being that way." They don't understand and it's hard for me to try and explain it because I don't completely understand it myself. My friends don't know what to say because they're not experiencing the same things I am. All they can really say is sorry. Anything to boost my self esteem a little is helpful, really. I've been doing the things my psychologist suggested but it feels all for naught when my mind slips into a negative state. Before and while typing this I've gone from crying upset to picking myself up a bit back to being sad again. I'm not usually like this and it's frustrating.

Even if you can't offer me any advice or don't know what to say. I would appreciate a compliment or even just a simple, "have a nice day". Every positive thought counts. Thanks.