[Lawtan]

*Comes in and Collapses*

Some days, I really get close to losing it. Today is one of those days.

Never have I met a place that made me feel so useless, make anything I accomplished seem so pointless and insignificant, as I have at Carnegie Mellon.

Today, I honestly just want to run into the streets and disappear forever. I realize that the university I chose - I could have chose Vanderbilt, or Rose-Hulman - merely bullied me into not going off long enough for them to drop me.

Really, right now the only two things that are keeping me from going off right now are a) I have a friend who needs me...and b) I have an intense desire to shove it down CMU's throat.

That said, is living for another and for vengeance really worth living? It's all I feel I have sometimes, because it feels like all I worked towards was first torn apart, then hastily reassembled only to be torn apart again and again.

I think the reason why I forgot many of the things in my youth was because I was surrounded by people and things that made everything I ever do or did... pointless.

I understand it is really nothing to be going through this. There are people who continue on with far worse. But for some reason, the understanding fails to empower me...it makes me feel guilty to even begin to be sad.

I just don't know what to do anymore...

Sorry if I am not on much right now...