[Lawtan]

Truth: I am a very bitter person for one reason - My gross motor skills are permanently and greatly handicapped. It is not that I have a missing leg, or arm, but like that, I will never be able to be as good at several things as other people.
My sensory system is faulty at best, and as such my ability to control where my body is likewise messed up. It was (and is) a miracle for me to balance on one foot or jump rope. For me to know 4 languages (and work on learning more) is beyond what most with any know-how or true sense of me could dream of. However, I see those who can perform acrobatics and sing beautifully. I see those who don't have to struggle as much at such a simple level, and while I don't necessarily envy them, I do want to rise up to their level - that is what drove me to always do better.
However, something about me...seems to draw walls that get in my way of trying to do...everything. People who deliberately have tried to physically put me in down my place, or manipulate to do so indirectly. I was taught from a young age not to fight back - I am built like a dwarf, and I could hurt someone if I let my emotions out. So, I tolerated people poking me until my head started aching from stress/over-stimulation. I tolerated smiling faces that lied about harassment being over. I tolerated people threatening me and assaulting me. I tolerated people trying to send me to special education because I was antisocial. I did not fight back other than to deny or deflect, nor did I really ever let myself even speak poorly of them. I tried to instead understand some of them, but alas, I still don't.
So, my desire to climb became a need - I had to triumph over the adversities in my life, to become "perfect..."
Sometime after this stage began, hard work payed off in a manner - people were happy because of things I did or made or gave or helped with. When your family at home seemed to be falling apart, and nothing you would say seemed to make it right, you latch on to things like that. I had always been the sort to try to make sure everyone had a chance anyway, so this only supported things.
Then, those I helped began to abuse me. Instructors would push me in order to win an award for themselves, and I was sexually assaulted while acting as an unofficial TA in High School. My health degraded after a year or two of this, and by the time I entered college, I was like an egg. My first roommate to a degree continued this (looking like the person who assaulted me did not help) and I became very ill with pneumonia. I had to take a month and a half to recover. After this, I learned of many of the things people at CMU enjoyed, and envy set in. I was in a form of purgatory, if you will. Every day hearing of other's enjoyment with friends - I've alienated mine - in things I would love and dreamed of doing...it created a strong feeling of failure, beyond blame for letting myself be assaulted, and beyond a perfectionism that thinly held my sense of self together.
My morals and beliefs were very challenged (Atheism? Paganism? What's that?), and I suppose I receded into a cynical form of Nihilism, from which I could try to grow anew. I came back again not fully formed, but believing that the adventuresome spirit of those at CMU would help me solidify myself. Instead, memories were retriggered of the assault and the fear of being touched...and I could not recover with a roommate popping in and out. I was still adjusting to things outside of a slightly backwater life (in comparison to heavy computer-users) and could not really bring my life in to help me relate to those my own age. The counseling at CMU would not help - feeling very intimidated and growing to fear your head of dorm not helping one iota. So, I stumbled back and forth, trying to get back and running but receiving setbacks often. KGB and one or two friends would be my only real standing stone during the time, though I hurt about how much was done while I was absent that I missed out on...permanently.
So, to conclude my tale, I wound up not doing well enough in the semester for CMU and they decided to count my early leave due to illness. Now I am stuck back in purgatory, knowing I have completely failed at life. I am now a worthless pile of carbon that honestly is back to having much of my time wondering if life is really worth living. And a large part of me is infuriated at CMU for three reasons:
One, I told them repeatedly that this was my fear and belief over what would happen
Two, Because of some fluke, I am still paying for several things at CMU that I was led to believe were taken care of.
Three, they failed to install reassurance of confidence in them, and thus failed utterly in helping me make a strong connection with them that..oh I don't know...could have prevented this

Rather than saying "lets help this student get better" it feels like they said "lets get this kid out so we don't have to deal with it."

And yet, I still have dreams...dreams that seem permanently closed off to me. I still dream of exploring ruins and working with animals. I still dream of inter-species communication and space exploration. I still dream of sailing the oceans on a green/steam powered boat. I still dream of a roaving band of performers, musicians, and storytellers. I still dream big and broad...and it hurts. I want to give up on it all - adventure is dead in today's world.

All of this said, I will still hug, try to listen, and try to help whoever needs it, and will also still try to joke around some. I will try to remain a friend, but it is damn hard not to shout obscenities and leave fist-holes everywhere, or break down into tears.

(And please, people, don't make a fuss. It's just life.)