[Gallagher]

-waves at Ari-

So I'm going to be the ass that actually takes the invitation to critique. Bear with me, I am commenting as I read through, and if you feel any of my points are unfair or do not apply, I would be happy to hear what you have to say about it.

"and she continually tripped over herself – the ground seemed so different between her two eyes…"
Too much. A babe won't know anything was off with the way they see, and the brain ignores the weaker eye, eventually letting it wander as it pleases because it isn't needed (wall-eyed brat she would have been, without any corrections done).



"Even for a guy who had more than most in the area, food was often scarce."
Is this recently in the city thing? Because I'm pretty sure food is provided by his mighty stickman, you just have to go get it at one of the aid places. Might be mistaken.



“Verdammt,”
wot?



"Activating the staff"
She was just talking about wire crossing, right? It doesn't seem like easy activation if she has to manually mess with wires. What effect is she activating?



"confused at why two –she assumed - magic people would be needed for a mission – the only mage she knew was back in the gang."
First, not mages. very much not mages. Second, if she knows her shit, she'll know that with the kinds of enemies they could face, you're actually at a disadvantage if you don't have any spiritual or psychic abilities. Everyone should be assumed to have them, or be meat shields, frankly.



"She checked her discs, modeled after the Shuriken of her mother’s homeland. Her wrists were almost permanently attached to a disk-fed wrist-gun. As her strongest ranged weapon, she had to use it often (and recover the white hot metal disks to reuse). Those adjusted, she mentally lifted her “fire wheels” – like a reusable pipe bomb strapped to the Japanese wind wheel – she remembered often distracting her opponents by only burning a little of the fuel stored in them, pouring down hot flames in a wall/wheel pattern. Her Poi-balls, like small maces, hung at her waist with a combat knife. Finally, Kadia grabbed one of her twin swords – hook swords that she could swing around, trip foes, and sever diamond-adamantium armor when superheated."
This is a major weapon info dump, and very much not needed like this. Go more into each weapon as they get used, as that's when the information will matter. Also, I don't think any kind of sword can do that to diamond-adamantium armor, superheated or not...



"As she crept up behind the group,"
Is she actually trying to sneak in behind mercenaries? With ample tech and spiritual/psychic ability on their side? Following their vehicle with a giant metal wolf? AND WASN'T NOTICED?



"Kadia lost track of the group she was hoping to join"
This was an open call to everyone that wanted to come and wouldn't hinder the mission. She doesn't have to sneak after them.



"She noticed the blind man look her way."
No. No, no, no, no, don't do things like this. Even if the moment already happened for our characters and it doesn't matter if he DID just so happen to glance her way, you do not want to get into this habit. If it wasn't said that he looked at her, and it wasn't talked about OOC, it didn't happen, so don't make it happen.




On the overall, one thing you very much want to avoid doing is being the hero that saves the group. That's not how this works. It's perfectly acceptable for everyone to have their moments to shine, to save one another if needed, or whatever the case may be. What's not okay is if you follow through with what you have going and somehow save the entire group with one girl, thus letting her earn her place among them. It would make a good story, yes, but this is not one. If you keep this line of actions, then be very careful how you play the rest of it out, or else you'll cross a line that should not be crossed.