[Misericorde]

I don't even know how to explain what I'm feeling, but I just need to get this out of my system...


Every day feels like a new battle between me and life. I know that it's not true, but I really do feel like life singles me out, and tosses me constant emotional battles, where everything just seems to fall apart. I manage to push through it, every single damn time. And for what? For it to start all over again, only the next time is always worse than the previous. There isn't anything I can do that's good, that isn't met with something either equally, or exponentially worse happening to me.


For the past year, I worked so hard to move past everything that's happened to me. The death of my mother, my best friend on this planet... That loss was so devastating, I never thought I could recover. Almost three years later, and I'm coping so much better now than I was a year ago. I also worked past losing the love of my life, someone who's abandoning me shouldn't have bothered me, not after all he'd done to me. It took me months to get over that. And then finding out that he was going to be a father? That just broke my heart, because when I was pregnant, TWICE, he didn't care. Didn't care that I was pregnant with our child, he didn't care when I miscarried because of all the stress his lying and cheating was putting me under. I was livid! I hated him. I hated HER for having with him, what I was robbed of. But I worked through it. I moved on with life. At least I thought I had, up until yesterday, when life decided to throw another shit storm my way.


Out of the blue, he messages me on facebook. What the hell? Almost a year of not talking, almost a year since I miscarried a second time because he abandoned me. Just up and left, moving to another city while I was out of town. So I humored him. I talked back. And maybe I shouldn't have, because we talked for the rest of the day and night (as well as sent explicit photos back and forth, and engaged in sexy texting and camming). Over him? I wasn't over him. I was fooling myself into thinking I was. All the emotions I had locked up inside came flooding out. I loved him. I love him still. Like an idiot, I still have that weak spot for him. The worst part? He told me that he realized he made a mistake by leaving me like he did, that he had something good with me, that he still loved me (literally, the words "I love you" spilled out of his mouth like vomit from a food poisening victim), and of course, about all of their problems. About how she "might" move away once the twins (oh, right, I lost two babies, he gets two in one shot. Low blow life, real big low blow. If I had balls, you just kicked them) were born. And that if she did, he wanted me to move out to Alberta. And since she would "most likely" leave the twins in his care, he wanted me to adopt his babies as my own. That way, we could be a family, and I could have the family I so desperately wanted. And you want to know the fucked up thing is, I actually considered this.


Then tonight, he calls me, and informs me that his twins were both 5 weeks early, how happy it made him to be there for his babies. Yeah, good for you, I get it. Parenthood is awesome, it's a fact that I can't escape, because every-fucking-person I know is having babies left and right. AND I HATE THEM BECAUSE OF IT. Not only did I lose my children TWICE, I lost the person I wanted to spend the rest of my life with! I'm the ONLY single girl in my group of friends, I'm the ONLY 23 [almost 24] year old I know that DOESN'T have a baby. Life constantly, on a day-to-day basis, reminds me of how ugly, how unwanted, and how miserably-doomed-to-be-alone-forever I am. Not only did I fall for his ploy, and let myself feel everything I'd thought I left behind, I felt more. I felt the desire of moving away from my home, my family, my friends, to be with him again. I felt the desire of adopting his twins as my own, and being a mother to those baby girls. Of being a FAMILY.


And then, another swift kick to my metaphorical nuts. He hopes "things get nicer" with his current girl/mother of his children. He wants to "keep his family together" for the sake of his children. And me? Well there's no room for me in that picture. And why should I want there to be? I shouldn't. But I did. I wanted it SO BAD. Turns out, all he really wanted from me was "sexual release". I was just a toy. All the things he said to me were lies. All of them ploys to get what he wanted from me. "I knew I would just have to sweet talk you". Fuck me, right?


I feel so dirty, I feel so disgusting. I hate myself. I fell for his tricks, by being naive I let him use me. And now I'm back to bawling my eyes out because I let myself believe he loved me, believe that maybe this time things might be different. I felt my heart fall into a million pieces once again tonight, once again because of the same guy that's done it to me before. I'm stupid, so stupid. Of course he doesn't love me. Of course he used me. I'm naive, I'm lonely, I want nothing more than to be wanted. I let it happen. How can I live with myself? I don't think I can live in this disgusting human body I've got anymore. I can't take another rejection. I'm tired of living this pathetic life, and I just want it to be over with...


I guess it all comes down to the fact that I don't want to battle with life anymore. This time, I think I've been defeated...