[Twigg]

For anyone reading this, strap in. I'll probably jump around on topics and you might get confused, so sorry. I just. I have too many things going on in my head and I need to get them all out.

Lately I feel like everything is piling up around me and I can't stop it. Half the time I just want to quit school, curl up in a ball and do nothing.

Here's why.

Throughout my entire life, pretty much, I haven't had many friends. I don't know why, but I think I tend to repel people. I hit middle school and lost whatever confidence I had. By high school, junior and senior year specifically, I gained a lot of it back. I had some good "friends" and in a smaller school I was able to be more comfortable with people. It was great. I loved my life at the time and I thought that college was going to be just as fun. And I had my boyfriend at my side who would be attending my same school (although he didn't transfer until a semester after I did, cause he was taking classes online).

So I got to college and I went through rush, because all I wanted out of college was the best experience I could get. I wanted that bond of sisters to talk to when I needed it. I wanted life long friends. Who wouldn't? Well, I didn't get in. To anywhere. Out of the 19 sororities on campus, not one. So that kind of took a hit on me. Well I brushed it off after a while and tried making friends in my classes. Then I realized that I stink at making friends. I really do. My roommate at the time was super popular and always had a ton of friends and most nights I'd sit in the room, by myself.

After a few months my grades slipped. I don't know if it's because I didn't have the motivation to face anybody, or if it's just because the content was harder than I was used to. Then I met this girl who I became fast friends with. We had so much in common and we became really good friends. A semester ago we got an on campus apartment with 2 other girls. Slowly it felt like they all turned on me. They stopped inviting me places, and I spent a lot more time in my room because I didn't feel welcome. (That and one of my roommates were incredibly hostile, and threatened me like all the time). I ALWAYS cleaned the apartment, and I payed for a lot of stuff we needed even when I couldn't really afford it. And then a few months ago I told my friend I would be living with my bf next year and she flipped shit and won't even talk to me now.

Long story short, after 3 semesters I essentially failed out of my university. It's embarrassing and not something I'm proud of, but I can't explain what happened. I knew I was fucking up. I knew it. I knew I needed to study more. I knew I needed to stop skipping classes. BUT I DIDN'T. And there is no logical reason in my mind as to why I didn't do anything right.

So now I'm taking online courses and if I can get my GPA up I can go back to my university. But even now I'm fucking up. AND I KNOW I AM. AGAIN. I don't know what's wrong with me. I don't know if it's severe procrastination or what. But something in my mind won't get in gear and do what I need to. No matter how much I motivate myself I CANT.

It's starting to make me feel stupid. Straight up stupid. Just today I was looking at something and I read it and I knew the words, but when it came down to figuring out a response I couldn't. Like I know the material, but it's almost like I can't put it into words. I can't... I don't even know how to explain it. All I know is I feel like a fucking moron. All. The time. I keep thinking back to how I flunked out once and I'm terrified it'll happen again. It can't happen again. I don't want it too.

Then there's my home life. Growing up we had everything we needed and more. I had 4 brothers and sisters (some related by marraige) and then my mom got divorced when I was like 10 and everything went to hell. Now we live in a tiny 1 bedroom apt, and she only makes 9 bucks an hour. I can't find a job anywhere near here to help pay for things, so money is tight. And it has been for a while.

I just got my refund back from my online classes loan, and I've had to give most of it to her, so she can pay bills, and pay off her fines. I put the rest in savings so I can get an apt with my boyfriend in august. Just today I had to give 50 more away to my brother because he had a fine to pay and if he didn't, he was facing jail time.

It's selfish but you have no clue how much I was looking forward to treating myself with something nice for once. And I can't. I'm so tired of being the one to give to people. And I do. I am always giving to people. Not necessarily money all the time. But I help people when they need it and I do things for people even when I get nothing back. And I NEVER get anything back.

I feel like I've been taken for granted and I hate it. But at the same time I feel like if I don't do nice things, people won't like me. And being as I have little to no friends, I want people to like me.

It doesn't help that I don't even really have a reliable family to turn to outside of my mother. For whatever reason, my mom's family kind of gives us the cold shoulder. They don't talk to us, and we're usually the last to know when something happens, good or bad. They all idolize my cousins. The ones who drink, smoke, and get pregnant at 15. But no love for the girl who has never smoked, drank, and waited to have sex until she was 18. Oh, no. None of that.

And my dad's no help. He lives across the country and I only ever talk to him when I need help financially, and the occasional summer I go and see him. Half the time it feels like I'm just a burden to him, and nobody realizes how bad that hurts. :/

And I'm realizing that I have no fucking clue what I'm going to do with the rest of my life. I don't. I started out wanting to be in fashion. but then I realized that I love BUYING fashion, not selling it. Now I think I want to get into anthropology. But at the same time I've always wanted to work for Disney. At the Disney museum. But also my lifelong dream was to be an animator but I feel like I will never, ever be talented enough to do anthing like that.

I just feel mediocre all the time. Like all the time. And for once in my life I just want to feel like I'm outstanding at something, and it hasn't happened yet. :/

I just. I have so much stress. And constant internal battles and I don't really have anyone to talk to. I have my boyfriend but he doesn't understand what it's like to not have any money, and no friends. He just doesn't. His family all loves him and can pay for things he needs. He has some of the best people I know as friends, and when I TRY to talk to him it feels like he criticizes me for being sad about these things. Or when I say I hate not having any friends to talk to he pulls the, "Well you can talk to me" card. As if I didn't feel bad enough, now I get a guilt trip.

But I mean, don't get me wrong. He's an amazing guy and he loves me so much. He's probably the only good thing I have going for me, it's just that sometimes he doesn't get it.

I just..

I don't know what to do anymore.
I'm freaking out.
I can't afford therapy.
I can't talk to anyone else.
I don't.
:/

There's probably loads more I forgot to mention but I'm crying and I need to stop typing now. So yeah.

Comment or don't. I just needed to get that off my shoulders. :/

Also, props to anyone who read through all of that. I realize it's long. But this has been building up for a long time now.