[Espy]

I just need to get my feelings out, because I'm being eaten up by my own anger...

I'm just tired of having bad (and by bad, I mean horrendous) grades but I don't, can't talk to my parents about because I know they'll just make me even more upset. They always tell me to try harder, to stop my activities, to change my study habits, because if I'm trying my best and it isn't enough, then I'm doing something wrong, and they want me to put 100% behind ym academics and I can't do that. I can't even put 95%, because I want to do things, I want to do OTHER things, I want to get to know people, talk to people have fun.

Every time I try to talk to my parents, or they try to talk to me, I end up feeling guilt-tripped, feeling bad about everything, feeling angry at myself but I'm tired of pushing that anger inwards and just hang up and that hurts me even more and I'M TIRED OF IT.

And I'm tired of being tired even though I've slept enough and being sick for the past four weeks and being feverish and not being able to concentrate and being physically tired and being hungry at all the wrong times including now and having people worry, because when people worry, I get stressed out and want to tell them to stop worrying, but people don't....stop worrying just like that and it worries ME, that people are concerned about me. Stop being concerned about me.

I'm tired of people not understanding, and me being angry.

I think I just need to have some fun so that I can go back and focus on what needs to be done and academics, but I don't even feel like going outside to have fun or talk to people because they don't understand and I can't tell them about being on academic probation and the thought of possible being kicked out of college scares me and eats away at me and I don't even feel emotions anymore and that's terrifying. All I feel is an endless wave of boiling, seething rage, and I want all that rage to explode in some way so it lets me go and is not the ONLY THING I FEEL but it won't do that and I can't focus on anything BECAUSE I'm worried about everything else.

Sorry if you can't read anything beyond the third line; this was just pure stream of consciousness and wasn't really meant to be read and I have to stop myself now before I type up another wall of text.