[Mizeria]

Hey Epic,

There are a lot of things in Life that make it worth living. I'm not saying this from the prospective of someone that enjoys life. (I was never the happy person and have come to terms with my depression)

I have fought through my depression, but it still haunts me. You're not alone. Everywhere you turn without realizing it there is probably someone else that feels lost and ready to be done with it all.

I almost killed myself at 11. That was over ten years ago now. I'm dealing with my depression and suicidal thoughts without the help of pills, and its HARD. That's not saying you can't do it but you need to believe that its what you want before it will really feel like things are getting better. You need someone or something to live for. One person to start, and then more. Don't place the hope of your life in one persons hands unless its your own because then you'll be sent right back down to the bottomless pit you feel like your sinking into if something happens to that one person.

It's all a state of mind. If you believe that you can't fix things, you won't be able to. If you believe that you can fix things and fight your depression you'll be able to find the strength to do so. I was dead set against pills. So I figured out which thoughts in my head came from the depression (example: "No one would miss me if I was dead") I knew this to be a lie. I can count a number of people that would be greatly effected if I died. Once I figured out how to tell which thoughts were false I fought my depression with logic. Which is a lot harder then it sounds. It took my all my school years to figure out a way to do this. (so almost eight years)
Its not all foolproof. I still get pretty low and start walking that wire in the sky. One push from death and one hand away from life, but once you know how to fight it things seem a little easier.

In my opinion, life is worth living. Even with all the issues I have and the depression that haunts me there is a reason for everything. I'm lucky to be alive, and so are you. There are people dying everyday that wish they could have more time. Wouldn't it be wrong to waste our time when its such a precious thing?

You could always try to talk to your mom, but that's your choice. I told my mother and she responded with "You just don't pray enough. Trust in God and he will make everything right." ...needless to say, that was not helpful. (For one, I don't believe in god. Two, she has ignored the matter since)
My father knows to, and he doesn't know what to do to help. I know by telling him I've worried him, but he tries to understand and help. I don't know you or your family, so that really depends on how you think your mother would handle it. If there's a chance for something positive to come out of it it might be worth telling her.

Now, I don't know what type of schooling your talking about, but your 22. Can you get a job, and then your own place? I wouldn't think of going to your dads, if I were you. Why is your mom forcing more school on you? Have you told her your thoughts on everything(school wise)?


With the memory side, take notes. If there's a packet or booklet highlight important things that you can go back and skim for future reference? I went to public school/college and actually never really had a problem with learning. So I was lucky in that regard. If there is more then one thing you have to do (like, math and history or whatever) take an hour on math and then move over to history for an hour. Looking at the same material for to long can make it harder to learn. Its like when your driving and there's a road block up. You wouldn't wait for them to fix a road you would find another way around. Maybe just changing things up would help a little. Once you get through the material you could make flash cards, or even make them while reading. But that all depends on the person. I'll try to think of more things, but its been a while since I was in school myself.

My thoughts on your reasons;

1. Mom wouldn't have to pay as much money anymore, and I won't be a burden.
- Find a job, or work hard around the house to show you don't want to be a burden. I'm sure she doesn't see you as one, but I also understand the feeling. You don't have to die to help your mother out and be less of a hardship.

2. I'm so sick of how people have become. Abusing people and such. The world is so cruel.. And if I were to take someone elses' life, there would be more of them around. So it would be easier if I just died..
- The world is filled with good and bad. To change the world you would aim to become someone that has the power to make a difference. (a cop, a lawyer etc/) there are also different groups for different things (world peace) How can we ever hope to change the world if we don't actively try to?

3. I've been feeling lonely all my life. I want this feeling to end.
-Loneliness is one of the worst feelings ever. Your alone even though your in a room full of people. The world over flowing with others that share this feeling and yet nothing seems to lessen it. Right?
My salvation was in the hands of someone else, so I'm not sure if I can help you with this one. I'm never alone, because I know just a text away is a man that loves me with every fiber of his being. BUT he's not the only one that has helped me through all the bad things in my life.
A couple close friends would help you. You don't even need that many. (To be honest, I got through most my life with one or two. Even now I only have a handful of "Close Friends")


4. I can finally be at peace.
- Life is only what you make it. You could be at peace now, you'd just have to want it and work for it. Yes, it will be hard but you can do anything you put your mind to. "Peace" is ill-defined so that's the best I can do with that one without knowing more of what you mean.