[Epic Rave Monster]

I've never had a great life. Sure, I've had some good times. But even as a child, I wanted to run away because my dad is an abusive control freak. I didn't want to live, but those feelings became even worst when my boyfriend died. I was depressed for years. Crying almost every day. It got so bad that I started to cut myself.

I've moved on, but I'll never forget him.

Right now, I'm struggling through homework. I've been home schooled all my life. My mom didn't want me to go to a public school in fear of me and my siblings being attacked. (Even if I didn't go there, I still got attacked, and bullied online.) She suddenly gets us doing Penn Foster, and expects us to get it done, after years of not doing it. And that's difficult to do. I feel like I have to constantly be motivated, and not much motivates me. Not even thoughts about the future. What I have been thinking about is..

"School is pointless. We learn a bunch of stuff we don't even need to know, like all these different ways of doing math. I'm gonna die soon. So what's the point of studying? It's a waste of time."

"I don't want to work my ass off to get a job I won't like. I want to live in nature and be happy!"

"I don't want to die. I just wish this world was a better place.. That's not going to happen."

"I'm constantly depressed. Who even wants that around?"

It's also really difficult for me to remember things. Often times, I find myself reading through the pages, and it doesn't stick with me. It feels like I'm reading a blank page. It's also very difficult for me to focus.. even reading one page.

I'm not trying to make excuses. I want it to be done with. I just think it should have been over with already. (I'm twenty-two.)

I want to talk to my mom, but she wouldn't understand how I feel. I can't go to a therapist because they cost a lot of money. If I call a therapist, they couldn't help me, and then they'd tell me to see a real one. If my friends can't help me, how can they?

I don't know why I'm typing this right now.. I'm just hoping someone can turn things around. If it was an easy fix, the problem would have been solved years ago.

I guess I'm just wondering.. how can I get my mind to properly work again? Are there some pills I can take or something? Maybe there's vitamins.. Not for my depression, but to increase my memory. I don't want to take anti-depressants to force me to be "happy." That's not real happiness. And it has a lot of bad side effects.

I don't want to live anymore. But if I decide to stay alive, I really need to get this home work done, or else I'm gonna end up on the streets. And I'd rather die than be raped and beaten to death.

I could live with my dad.. (My parents are divorced now.) But he's one of the reasons why I wasn't happy. He's really controlling, and I couldn't be with who I wanted to be with, because he's a homophobe.

There are lots of reasons why I want to die:
1. Mom wouldn't have to pay as much money anymore, and I won't be a burden.
2. I'm so sick of how people have become. Abusing people and such. The world is so cruel.. And if I were to take someone else's life, there would be more of them around. So it would be easier if I just died..
3. I've been feeling lonely all my life. I want this feeling to end.
4. I can finally be at peace.

And please don't say that it's selfish. I'm not doing it to hurt people. I would love if people didn't care that I died. I'm here to get help, not to be judged. I know that people love me. I just don't think me dying is a big deal. It's not like I contribute much..