[Helsinki Harlot]

I'm SUCH A BLABER MOUTH. I'M SORRY. Just feeling very passionate tonight and don't know how to shut my face hole. Lio; You know I used to think that you were't allowed to feel anger at anything when a person passed? I've gotten better about that. But you should have been pissed. Thrown a few stones into car windshields. That was messed up of the family. Finding out after the fact, when you're supposed to be that close to them. Makes you want to scream.

I already like this guy you're talking about. Reminds me of Jon. I actually freaked for a bit because other than the details... Jon's life was... last time we talked getting better. And then we don't talk for awhile and... this is my relation to the not knowing and waiting. I had the best birthday of my life, July 1st. [Relation to special time trauma; which fuckin' sucks. He died end of July. SO that x-mas timing. Just. -holds you tight-] Sarah was going to get to come to Finland with me. I could finally show someone where I was from. I got a laptop with a webcam, and my grandma bought a web stick so I could get wifi anywhere in Finland. I went into my summer thinking that I could show Jon by proxy where I'm from. I'd been in Finland 2 weeks, and hell. I remember the page of the book I was reading that day. Get a text from Sarah to my mom saying "[my name]needs to call me when she can. It's important." And... I'm not going to recount the phone call. But he'd already been two weeks dead. And i was just... things were SUPPOSED to be okay.

Anyway; he sounds like an amazing, wonderful, human being. I can't imagine the specific feeling you guys had but I know loss, and it is friggin' awful. And the reason I got on my soap box is because I don't know what to say that might help, because been in the damn shoes and still don't know what people should say to me.

I... I , fuck. I don't. It probably would'- no. I can't even say that. Argh. I don't want to side rail to me, but it's the only way I know how to talk? Is to relate to my own experiences. Ju- ARGH. I dont want to be intensive or. Well. Okay. I almost said, it probably would've been better for you not to look at the report. For the trauma factor. But.... at the same time. I'm... the side that never did? Jon... when he died. It took me half a year ('cause I was gone out of my head) to try and FIND an obituary. Find any article... or proof... that he was shot and tossed in a river. Seems like that'd make news. Sarah... when she called to check up on Jon, was too shocked to ask for where his grave is. So on one hand... if... if I got the details. A part of me would ease... and it would help because my imagination is awful. But, at the same time... it might be better that I don't know the details. See the report. It's. Argh. Fucked up.

Sudden death is just shit all around. And it's so friggin' hard to move past it and I am so sorry you had to live through that. Hell. I'm even more sorry that your friend had to have that happen to him. From the few words you said about him, he deserved so much more. Such a better future. Not something cut so short. I just want to make you tea, and home made food, and make you a blanket fort.