[Quiet Man Cometh]

You sound like you're depressed, to be honest.

Just in case that sounds scary, depression doesn't mean being suicidal, or crying all the time. Sometimes it can just be feeling a little sad often, or not find joy in things you used to. I have mild depression, it runs in my family it seems, and I find I can identify a lot with what you are saying.

I had a very different upbringing from you it sounds like. I was sheltered in part because I was ill, but my family was very open so I had no problem associating with people or friends, but following my illness I developed some social anxiety and did find it easier to chat online than with people in real life. I couldn't really understand cliques and such, and even when hanging out with my usual social circle, I couldn't help but think that I was really hanging out with my friend's friends, rather than people I was friends with myself. I also was concerned about talking too much with people because I didn't want to come off as annoying and was quite self conscious about that. It took some time to recognize that I was being excessive about these things and to work to get over them.

I can understand feeling lonely a lot too, and that's never really gone away. I spend a lot of time at home and don't have any real social groups or a circle of friends that I would socialize with on my own. It does take some work -and some nerve I think- to keep up a social life, or a life open to social encounters.

Largely, I don't think you should feel bad or upset if your online friends and chats don't quite make up for feeling lonely. That isn't to say that I value my online friends less, but sometimes there really is no substitute for the presence of a friend in a room.