Tears
She Who Is Unnecessarily Formal At Times
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Constantly feeling lonely. I don't know why.
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#1
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Warning: Vent/rant ahead.
I was hoping to keep my problems and real life drama off this forum, because honestly, those things are such a drag. But this particular thing has been going on for a while, and I have no idea why. It's really troubling me now, so I'd better get to the point if I want help.
I have this chronic feeling of loneliness/emptiness/stuff like that. Sometimes I catch myself just sitting there ruminating about past mistakes or imagining scenarios, good or bad, that probably never will be real. Sometimes i catch myself texting the same person twice or three times in a row without giving them a chance to reply. I just always seem to want someone to talk to, which I guess is why I like online forums so much.
The thing with online forums, I should explain that before moving on. So I cannot deal with people in real life. I only have contact with the outside world at school and through the internet because of restrictive parents. I have severe social anxiety and stage fright and very poor communication skills. However, I feel at ease when chatting online. Maybe it's the small degree of anonymity? I don't know. Anyways, the case with me is "just go online if you feel lonely".
It sounds so contrary, doesn't it? How I cannot get along with others in the offline world, but I like to make friends and meet people online. I do have very good friends in the offline world, but i'm not allowed to see them except at school. I do have a family, but they're rarely there for me. I've always grown up in a strict, oversheltered environment. i think I think differently from others and I get excited about different things. In general, I just feel like I cant fit in any cliques/groups/whatever. Even my friends group is full of mixed interests (not that I mind; they're wonderful people).
I'm just sick of also burdening others with the obligation to chat with me to keep me from getting lonely. I have so many self-destructive tendencies and stuff backfires when I attempt to make myself feel more fulfilled in terms of social life. The emptiness...it just feels so gaping and sometimes I think it would swallow me or something.
Well. I certainly hope that didn't ruin anyone's view of me so far. But there's a truth about me there, do as you will, I suppose. Kudos to those who've actually read my silly rambling. I really appreciate such attention...
I'm quite busy lately. I may poof for several days at a time.
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Posted 11-17-2012, 10:14 AM
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