[Meizicht]

Well, to be totally honest there's another problem here as well. Though I didn't want to bring it up because it makes Kai sound a little bad, when the fault is not his. He's tried to help me before, but then I have times where I'll feel so bad for doing what I do, that I pull back over and over, and nothing got done, really. Because of that, I think he may have given up, so when I bring these things up now, he'll either ignore it or it'll turn into somewhat of an argument. Because his experience is he can't get anywhere with me. I've done that so much, so I don't think he'll be willing to have an extensive talk or a few with me about it. Which is my fault. So I've been like.. walking on eggshells about it. I want to try again, but I know the trust is probably not there, so I'm stuck. I don't want to bother him any more than I already do.
So although I've talked to him a little bit, he kept changing the subject, and I don't have the feeling that anything was accomplished. x__x;;

I also have vague ideas of why I'm so bad ( because before, I wasn't so much abusive as honest and I didn't need his attention so badly; I was comfortable with myself and confident in modest amounts ) but I'd need to have a serious long talk with him about it... and also I'm afraid he may just forget all about it in a few days, and it'll go back to how it always is. Or not believe me. Or think it's not a big deal enough to cause my behavior. I wouldn't blame him for any of these. It's just difficult to get to the next step if he doesn't stick with me a little.. Which, feels horrible of me to say because I still really do not think I deserve help. x__x;; But.. that's just me. I'm really sunken into the statistics about this; you know, how the abuser is nothing but evil and it's just black and white. No matter how big or little the offense is, it's the same and the abuser must be the worst; we must not sympathize - that kind of thing.