[Fey]

Dear Diary,
I'm not sure why it still hurts, or why I still fall into the same 'trap' every time. Every time.

I think 'they act like they like me, like I'm a friend.' And so I, mistaking whatever it is they want from me, as an overture to rekindled friendship. But every time it's not. It's 'I need you to do this for me, but don't act like it means anything else.' And I should expect it now, because it's what I get time and again. But it still hurts like the first time, the second, the eight...and apparently like a beaten dog I come back each time expecting something different.

I have amazing people in my life, that genuinely like me, maybe even love me, but each time I fall back on the 'what am I doing that makes me unlikable? So usable and disposable?' What part of me is so flawed that this is the 'right' way to treat me each time?

What part of my brain needs rewiring? I tell myself after each destroyed bridge, after each rebuffed overture, that I've learned my lesson, I won't do it again. But I do. How they must laugh to see me constantly groveling for the smallest bit of respect, attention, or praise. Am I entertaining? Am I at least worth the floor show?

I won't lie to myself and say that this time I've learned my lesson, I won't repeat the same mistakes. I will, again and again, the living definition of insane. I expect a different result when all my variables are the same.