[The Mule]

Dear anything,

Zero confidence, zero self esteem, zero self control; why should I even have the right to have so many people around me? Eventually they'll see how bad I really am. I'll mess everything up. I always do.

I don't know what to do. I don't think you really want me anymore. She was actually probably right about me all along and I shouldn't be mad at her at all. You probably should've left me for her. I'm nothing good for you. Everyone else is probably right. And it's my fault. All of it, everything, even in the future, it's my fault. I'm too gloomy for you. You should hate me. Because I'm a damn stain.
So.. I don't have confidence in your feelings for me anymore. I don't think you even want much to do with me now. I've been trying my hardest to stop being such a huge pain in the ass, but just... all this stuff is still tying me up inside. Everything I do doesn't work. When I talk to you, I'm so cold, and I hate it.. I can't express myself right. It's all my fault. For so long, I'm scared to death all of the stuff that has happened before might repeat itself. You throwing me off like that.. And getting everything ripped out of me over again. I don't want to relax and drop my guard and then that happen again. As much as I blame that, I know it's all me. It's my fault. I always have to tell myself "everything is my fault" because I'm so selfish that I want to blame something else. It'smyfault,it'smyfault.
And I apologize constantly for it. But that just makes you mad.. I'm stuck.
And all of the stuff that she did too ( you know.. "she" who used to be my friend ) still tears me up to think about it so much. I've never ever felt so horrible over something before, besides the stuff with your mother. It has me nauseous, just thinking about it. Because I'm so worried that I might be all wrong.
I don't know. Do I even deserve anything at all? I don't feel like I do. I just want to crawl back into my hole and watch everyone else be happy.
Idk.

-Anonymous me.