[Suzerain of Sheol]

Well, since you prefaced as you did, I'll ignore the issue of form. That can always be fixed up later. ;)

One thing I will note, and I know it's a tired old adage that gets thrown around (probably more than it should), but I'm convinced it applies here, and that's the distinction between showing and telling. This is certainly written in a very specific style (the word "tale" comes to mind) and while that invokes certain things in the mind of the reader, it's also not a very efficient means of making the reader care about the story. Showing does take a lot more space, though, you have to build up to pay-off moments in the narrative, and it's a precarious balancing act. For such a short piece, it would be difficult to write it that way without significantly altering the nature of the story (and, obviously, making it substantially longer).

Also, just a helpful little fyi, when you append dialogue with something like "the girl said", it's proper to end the quoted speech on a comma, and the following word should lowercase. You do it right with

"Why?" the girl asked.

But you have it the wrong way in every other instance, I believe. Just something to keep an eye on. ;)

Anyway, my bottom line is that I think this piece deserves expanding, and if you'll pardon the pun, room to blossom. :)