[Rigel]

The subject matter isn't bad. I love poetry, and reading over yours was, if not fun, interesting enough.

I feel that you're letting yourself be restricted by rhyming patterns. Do you write free verse at all? Consistent rhyme may be your preferred style, but I think that someone with thoughts such as yours would benefit greatly from deviation.

When I write, I let the words guide themselves. It's a remarkable feeling when you stop worrying about finding rhyming words and start pouring your feelings onto paper/your screen/etc uninhibited.