[Suzerain of Sheol]

Just to mention, it's a good practice to preface your writing posts with a brief introduction to the piece and what you're looking for (if anything) in terms of feedback, so that those who take the time to read your work know how to properly respond. Otherwise, if you choose to share your work with the public, it's only natural to expect criticism from a discerning audience.

And to note, I haven't read your chapter yet, my comments are reserved to the discussion here.