[Gallagher]

Uhm, no.

Considering this is the writing forum, large pieces ARE expected, it's just a preference that they be spoiled if there are multiple pieces to make it easier for scrolling.

As for the actual writing, however, you might want to work on flow. A lot of the sentences sound repetitive because they ALWAYS start with the subject. His, his, his, he, his, his, his, he... It makes it not as interesting to read, because there's little variance in it. There are a few sentences that ARE different, but not nearly enough.