Dear universe, or whatever is out there that applies to this;
I'm not sure where to start. I know this will probably be long and confusing, but I'd like someone to read it. Not necessarily care or message me of course, but it's enough to know that someone else can see it. At least then, it's not like I'm screeching things in the dark. Though anyway, nobody but those who can see my IP will know who I am, lol. It's okay if those who know to message me on my main, since I'm on there the most, but please don't tell anyone.
Just getting that out of the way, just in case. I doubt I needed to say it anyway.
This whole entry is going to be pretty grim.
Generally, I don't understand living. All you feel is terrible things. When you're "happy", it gets taken away and you just feel dreadful. When you love someone, it's like everything they say can hurt. All the good things have misery attached to it, and it's just years and years and long, miserable years of it, with no end in sight. I don't care if there is a god or not ( though personally, I don't believe there is ) but either way, I don't understand this. Is there a point? Other than "eat, breathe, sleep, work, reproduce, repeat"? That just.. doesn't appeal to me. Is there a reason why I have to live when I can't enjoy it? Is it a punishment just for existing?
Friends aren't anything of an enjoyable experience for me anymore. I can't tell them anything about what I think anymore. I can't get close to them at all, because I have to wonder if they're just going to turn it around on me. There comes a point where I'm just so sick and tired of confiding in people. I just can't do it anymore. Isolating myself is just easier. "Friends" are things that just snatch your good feelings right out of you, suck you dry, and leave you to put it back together.
Every emotion sucks me dry. All of them. I'm tired of having any of them. I just hate living when all I can expect to feel is things that just make me so tired of everything. Being happy is dreadful, because all I can do is think "when will this be taken from me", and then I'm blindsided when it is, with dread and all that nasty crap. People talk about love being all amazing, but they must be doing it wrong, because it twists me up so painfully, I want to run away from it. I'm stuck because so many people have worse problems than I do, so that makes mine pretty much irrelevant, and I have to bottle it up inside until it explodes. I just am such a mess with this right now that I want to give up on it. I don't want to deal with it. It's way too far gone for anyone to deal with. I mean, in order to fix any of this, I have to have the resources to do it, which also fills me with dread because I know that because I happen to be on the side of the less privileged, that I'm just shit out of luck. I can't get help. I don't have the means to.
My self hate.. is incredible. I guess for some people, it would seem like that. But to me, I just can't understand what would make it seem incredible. Things would have been immensely better if I was wiped off the planet. And I'm not saying that for any sympathy or attention, it's just how it is, logically. I'm a huge expense. I take up so much money. If I wasn't here, there would be so much financial gain that my family could live in much better conditions. They would be comfortable, happy. They wouldn't have to deal with my abnormalities, and the expectations that I broke. My father wouldn't have to be so disappointed in me. If I hadn't even existed in the first place, my sister might not have died, and they'd have their perfect child with her. And since she came seven years after I did, they would've had more time to save up and be prepared for her, so they would probably be so much happier. That would have been the perfect family. And even more so, because I did have a hand in how my entire extended family fell apart. The removal of my existence in this family would have been the removal of a soul-sucking stain. But I had to ruin it.
For my friends, I wouldn't need so much of their support. I wouldn't need to rant to anyone or bring anyone down with my pessimism, or cling to their attention so I wouldn't be lonely. That wouldn't happen if I wasn't here. They could live their lives flawlessly, without me hindering their happiness. My boyfriend would be with a better person. Someone who can support him happily, unlike me, who turned it the other way around, and relies on him instead even though he has worse to deal with than I do.
Nobody around me would have to deal with my selfish, hypocritical, pessimistic, disgusting and lazy existence. With me, I would take all the bad I bring. I would lift a load from their shoulders. If I just could be erased, just like that, it would fix everything. That thought... just feels relieving.
If I could make everyone hate me, and if I had the courage to do so, I would clean my entire existence off of this place. My ideal plan had always been to move out, take all my things and give them away to someone whose existence doesn't rot the atmosphere around them, and then I just wouldn't be here. I don't care, really, how it would happen. I just never want to be found, so that people would eventually forget and keep living, without wondering or worrying or being sad. I would take all the bad things I bring with me, and I wouldn't inflict it onto anyone else again. That, to me, is so relieving. I would be so relieved if I had the courage to do it, if I could feel relieved afterward. I mean, thinking about it now.. It just seems like it would be perfect. Like I should do it, it's a good idea. Maybe the best idea I've ever had. Because with all the crap my life gives everyone else, I also wouldn't have to walk through another day of just... living. It's a punishment. And besides, someone else could be breathing the air that I breathe, and they could be enjoying the things that I have instead of me. Someone else who deserves it more.
After all, with how I feel, whenever someone compliments me, it's so wrong. I feel like I've lied to them when someone thinks I'm a good person, or if they think I look good or do good things or have talent. It just feels really wrong. Desperately wrong. Those compliments belong with someone who actually deserves them.
At the same time, I want someone to see without me having to practically shout it at their faces. I really want someone to understand and help me, but I don't want to tell anyone anymore. I've tried asking for help, and I've tried telling those around me about these things, but it's so difficult trying to tell someone when they can't understand. I don't want to say "nobody understands me" because that's what everyone says.. but it's pretty much true. It's frustrating to no end when I feel like I'm screaming it at the top of my lungs to someone who is right in front of me, but they're like "what? I don't get it." and their guessing at it is always wrong. I can't get people to listen, and I'd have to pay someone to help me. How is that fair? Can't someone just notice and stay with me?
Then again, I really don't deserve it. Everything bad that happens to me, I know is my fault. That's why I never fight against it, and just let things happen. If my boyfriend wants to leave me for someone else, it even makes sense to me, and I wouldn't protest. I know it's just a matter of time. But I really do deserve it. The way I am, the bad things that I bring and the mess that is my brain, I understand that I can't resist it. It's just how it is. I bring it upon myself, no matter what I do.
Anyway, I'm very sorry to anyone reading this, if I bring them down with it. If there is anyone that does feel down after this, please tell me and I'll replace this post with an apology. ^^;
Sincerely, me.